Do you want to live more on purpose? Do you wish to experience more prosperity?  How about a little more fun, love, and playfulness?  If you want this, you can have it… living the principles of Intuitive Intelligence™.  In this video series I am going to walk you through each of the 10 principles in a very down-to-earth way.  A way that will drive home why you should bother even considering a different, richer way of navigating your personal and professional life.

In today’s installment I address the principle: Be Authentic

This phrase gets bantered around a lot. Especially in the area of leadership and life purpose work.  But what does it REALLY mean?  Why is it so crucial to your success? Tune in and learn the answers to these questions.

I’m still basking in my trip to the NCAA Women’s Basketball Final Four in Tampa, Florida and will have a variety of insights to write about in the coming days. One comment that was made on ESPN as I was watching games leading up to the Final Four was about an opposing player commenting about what a swagger Candace Parker the star player for Tennessee Lady Vols has. Well you know what — on her the swagger works and is totally authentic.

I’m sure you’ve seen people who have a strut and an air about them that seems so arrogant, pompous, and fake, right? Well, that’s because it doesn’t fit who they are. If you’re trying to swagger and you don’t have the goods, well, you look like a jerk and other people try to avoid you (or mock you) at all costs. That holds true whether your domain is the basketball court or the boardroom. If your presence, personality, and the way you carry yourself doesn’t match who you really are… you appear fake and contrived. Not to mention, I bet you don’t feel very comfortable in your own skin either because you’re attempting to hold up a facade.

In this case, though, I found her whole swagger to be quite appealing. I had the chance to watch her fairly up close and personal in the practices and public sessions and while she has a huge presence, it just feels 100% authentic. I mean she’s basically the Michael Jordan of women’s basketball for goodness sakes. And, she’s a very intelligent, well-spoken leader and team player. She carries herself with a lot of poise, authenticity, and confidence. The little swagger strut that comes with it just works because it fits – her stature and talent on and off the court.

How about you? Is the way you carry and present yourself congruent with who you really are? Give it some thought, ask yourself how you feel in your own body, and ask a few trusted friends… It’s worth noticing if you show up as the real deal of who you are and what you’re about. Your ability to succeed on your own terms depends on it — I’d even bet my coveted Final Four souvenirs and photos on it!

In a nutshell, the answer is No, but it can make you feel miserable. In fact, I wrote about the deadly “one day I’ll be happy” pattern we tend to fall into in my article “When Will You Be Happy?”. As it relates to careers, this deadly pattern translates into believing you’ll be happy only when you get that new, perfect job. Unfortunately jobs come and go and suddenly you find yourself in some new job and realize that it is a huge deejay-vu only with different furniture and the names and faces changed. Your feelings of happiness or unhappiness on the whole remain.

Given my personal interest in this topic as someone transitioning from life as an employee to life as a business owner, my eyes perked up when I read the recent “Pamela Slim and Penelope Trunk smackdown” on one of my favorite blogs Escape from Cubicle Nation. Since I am also an avid reader of Penelope Trunk’s Brazen Careerist blog and distinctly remember her post “The connection between a good job and happiness is overrated” I got sucked in to this latest post like a kid at an ice cream shop.

When I first read Penelope’s post, part of me wanted to jump up and say “You Got That Right!” and part of me (the miserable day job part of me) wanted to say “Easy for You to Say Lady!”. That’s why I am jumping at the chance to add my own $.02 to this conversation.

After reading Pam’s smackdown post this morning, I had an epiphany on my walk to yoga class. One of those moments when everything gets clear, makes sense, and the angels sing. I love it when that happens! The aha moment was my ability to articulate an explanation as to why the connection between job and happiness is overblown.

As I see it, happiness is a state of being; a being-ness about who you are at the core: how you feel about yourself and your life; how you show up in the world. It is right up there with a connection to a higher power and spiritual life. You can’t put your finger on it, but you feel it and it can make all the difference when it comes to living a meaningful and fulfilling life. On the other hand, a job is all about doing; a doing-ness where it is all about what you do, who you do it with, the environment you do it in, etc. It is about the roles and responsibilities you assume when you take on a particular job. Since it isn’t connected directly to who you are (who are be-ing) it can neither make you happy nor unhappy.

You might be saying — “that’s a lot of great wording Paula but I have a job from hell and it is KILLING ME!!!!”. I understand where you’re coming from. My 16 + years in Corporate America have ranged from mind-numbing and neutral to all out “just shoot me please” misery complete with bosses, co-workers, and environments from hell. Yet, at the end of the day, my jobs have never defined who I am or who I am being. Albeit the bad environments bring out the worst in me and my dark shadows have a field day, but if I step back and look inside myself I still know that who I am and whether or not I am happy comes from the inside out. (Of course, sometimes that means making an entirely new career choice, but that is a different post.)

In terms of being happy with a job, I believe in many ways it has more to do with who you get to be on the job than the tasks you’re actually doing. While I agree with Pam that what you get to do and the meaning you give to it are unique to a person, if you find yourself in a middle ground job where you are doing tasks that you’re skilled at but not passionate about, then you really can make a so-so job good by focusing on the positive and keeping your perspective about work (as in, it is not the be-all end-all of anything).

As luck would have it, I ran across another related article today called “The Dangerous Myth of the Dream Job”. I disagree with the author Timothy Ferriss’ flat out statement

“Converting passions into ‘work’ is the fastest way to kill those passions. Surfing two hours on a Saturday to decompress from a hard week might be heaven, but waking up at 6 am every morning to do it 40 hours per week with difficult clients is a very different animal. Mixing business and pleasure can be a psychologically toxic cocktail.”

While I agree that turning passions into your career is not always a great idea for the reasons he sites above, finding something you are passionate about to call your work is a good idea. The key is to know the difference. You need to look hard and ask the questions:

Am I passionate about this because it allows me to unwind, relax, and enjoy life?

Or,

Is this passion something I want to make my life’s work?

If the answer is yes to the first question, by all means keep that passion a hobby (or even a little side money-making hobby). If the answer is yes to the second question, it is worth pursuing as a career option. At the very least, beta-test the idea as a second job to experience firsthand what it’d be like doing it every day for work.

What I did love in Tim’s article however was this:

The ideal job? The one that takes the least time

For most of the planet, I would assert that the ideal dream job is the one that takes the least time. Be productive instead of busy, and recognize that life is full of special relationships and activities that need to be protected from one another. Focus on artful separation instead of integration, and you might just as I did feel as though an enormous burden has been lifted.

Expect a lot out of life, but don’t expect too much from your job. It’s just one tool. Make it a specific one.

I say Amen to that! To me the ideal job is the one that makes the most money in the least amount of time as long as it is something I enjoy doing and it aligns with my values and personal integrity. Now THAT is something to be happy about.

What do you think? Do you equate a job or career with happiness? What is your take on this whole conversation? Do you think it differs at all or has a special spin if you’re LGBT and struggling with the coming out on the job question? Throw in your $.02 in the comments.

Do you know how some people are always ready to take the opportunity to take a dig at someone? Those little seemingly innocuous comments made in an attempt to lighten the mood or loosen up? In reality it neither lightens nor loosens anyone’s mood unless you are someone who enjoys a good laugh at someone else’s expense (and that’s a different conversation). I should know since I used to be a queen at passive aggressive comments and offhanded sarcasm directed at others.

Yesterday I spent the day at one of those big corporate shin digs where all the top brass does a big “rah-rah” dance complete with smoke and mirrors. While I know many of these folks mean well, sometimes their approach leaves a lot to be desired. In an attempt to keep the event light and personal, several top executives spent their introductions taking digs at one another. I suppose acting like you don’t care about how comments may come across to people in the audience or even deeply within the person you are lightheartedly digging is supposed to somehow make everyone feel like a big happy family. Now I’m all for being authentic and real. In fact it is a cornerstone of how I live my life and the approach I take to my work as a coach. Somehow my gut tells me that my discomfort at listening to this couldn’t possibly have been limited just to me.

That led me to the question of – why do we have to be so mean (even subtly) to each other? Is the only way to forge a connection in the corporate environment to poke fun at other people? Wouldn’t it be more powerful and unifying to share a moving, personal story rather than take cheap shots at one another?

I don’t know why this hit me so clearly yesterday. Maybe it has been my recent focus on what it means to be a more compassionate human being while still maintaining strength, courage, and drive. I’m not sure, but as clear as day I realized that it is far more socially acceptable to be mean (take cheap shots at others, make fun of them, get a laugh at others’ expense, etc.) than to be real. Perhaps it is just too scary for people to be real because then they would have to be vulnerable. And, being vulnerable is scary even if the rewards (in terms of living fully) are great.

Words have power. They can unite and bring love and connection or they can divide and wound like the most technologically savvy weapons. After all, in many ways it is semantics that divide all the great religions, nations, and people of the world.

So, next time you’re looking to take some cheap shots in supposed “good natured fun” stop for a moment and consider:

• How might this be received by the other person?
• How might this be received by others listening?
• What is my intent for making this comment?
• Am I making a joke at someone else’s expense because it makes me feel less vulnerable, awkward, anxious, etc?

I’m not suggesting you become guarded with your words or give up making light of the hilarity of life. I’m all for humor and have found it in some of the most unlikely and stressful moments. Believe me, everyone I meet always comments about how I make them laugh. I just want to invite you to consider how you choose and use words because what you choose speaks volumes about who you really are.

How good are you at receiving a compliment or outright praise? Do you tend to slink down in your seat, hide, or generally blush? Worse yet, do you start making up a story as to why that compliment isn’t REALLY warranted? If so, you are insulting yourself and blocking an important channel to your happiness and success.

For example, in the past if someone would compliment me on something I was wearing, I would make up a million excuses as to why that isn’t so. That would sound something like “That is a great shirt you’re wearing.” I’d answer “Oh, this shirt? It’s so old and I borrowed it from my partner and it’s not really my color, etc, etc”. In effect someone would compliment me and I’d be telling them “You’re wrong!”.

Another example of something more personal is if someone compliments you on something you did. For example, when I used to perform classical guitar I might complete a piece and someone would compliment me on how great that sounded. I’d launch right into “Well, I missed this note, buzzed the string here, played it below what the tempo REALLY should be, etc, etc.” Again I would not only be insulting the person giving me the compliment but essentially insulting myself with a big ‘ole “you’re not good enough” message.

As women we tend to do this all the time. For some reason we tend to think it makes us appear humble as we display all this humility. However, it isn’t humility it is humiliating. We humiliate ourselves as we shrink from what we offer and the unique talents that we have. We are telling the person doing the complimenting “you are wrong and don’t really know what you’re talking about.” The net effect is that everyone feels worse. Somehow we think we feel better by beating ourselves up, but in fact the only thing we accomplish is damaging our relationship with ourselves.

Why is this so important? The ability to receive is crucial to being able to get what you really want. Whether you play by the language of the uber-popular The Secret and want to manifest something in your life or if you just plain want to be more successful on your own terms, you need to be able to receive good things (compliments, gifts, good fortune, etc.) effortlessly. Opening yourself up to receive is like removing the cap from a hose, it allows the water to flow.

How can you do this and still feel authentic, humble, and sincere? The answer is deceptively simple. Simply stand tall and say two words “Thank You”. You don’t need to explain, you don’t need to minimize your worth, and you don’t have to appear like a boastful fool (like of course I’m great, I’m the Queen of Everywhere!). You only have to receive openly and with gratitude in your heart. An elegantly simple “Thank You” does the trick.

If you don’t believe me — try it out! Next time someone compliments you on something, simply stand tall, look them in the eye, and say “thank you”. You may feel awkward if you’re used to spewing forth a litany of negative talk, but just say the two magic words and then be quiet.

Once you’re able to stand in your own space and receive with gratitude I guarantee you’ll start feeling better about yourself AND start attracting more good things.

Are you good at receiving or do you struggle? If you struggle, what gets in the way of you being able to receive with grace? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments..

If anyone exudes the confidence and panache that comes from being comfortable in your own skin, it is Suze Orman. Money and media mogul, she has helped millions of women take control of their finances through her bestselling books, magazine articles, and television specials. Believing “People First, Then Money, Then Things” she was one of the first financial folks to delve into the emotional reasons behind why people spend long before “emotional spending” became the media buzzword of the day. All that, and now, the New York Times reports that Suze has finally spilled the beans and reveals that her life partner is Kathy Travis. In true Suze fashion she jests in the article “We’re going on seven years. I have never been with a man in my whole life. I’m still a 55-year-old virgin.”

Back when I was in my 20′s and still relatively clueless about having to run a household with my own money, I discovered her book “9 Steps to Financial Freedom” and “The Courage to Be Rich”. While I was fairly good with my money it was a fine wakeup call to totally nix whatever small amounts of debt I had. It also opened my eyes to a variety of practical considerations I never even considered. It even helped my partner and I tackle her sizable debt with efficiency and confidence. Now that Suze’s out of the closet, I know I speak for myself and the whole team at Queercents that it would be wild if she were to write a book on the unique financial challenges of GLBT couples. Goodness she knows about it firsthand:

”Both of us have millions of dollars in our name,” she told The New York Times Magazine in its Feb. 25 edition. ”It’s killing me that upon death, K.T. is going to lose 50 percent of everything I have to estate taxes. Or vice versa.”

Whether you have millions or are just making ends meet, if you’re a lesbian couple you are swimming upstream when it comes to the laws of finances and the “unmarried” couple. Suze knows about both scenarios. If you read her story on her website, you’ll soon learn that she had plenty of tough times both financially and as a young woman forming beliefs of what was to be possible for her life. Told she’d never succeed or amount to much she surely proved those early naysayers wrong and made her early supporters proud.

I for one am thrilled to read this news and what I like most about it is that there is no fanfare, activism or “scandal”. In her usual straightforward style Suze just tells it like it is. Whether you love or hate her perky, sometimes preachy style, you have to admit that she always puts her uniqueness front and center and stands proud in who she is. All women, gay and straight, can learn a lot from how she shows up in the world. And for all of us the courage to be truly rich in our lives starts with the courage to be our true selves. Thank you Suze for your honesty and courage! And, hey – the readers here at Coaching4Lesbians would love to hear more from you… come on over and join our inteview series!

We often feel great fear and get woefully uncomfortable in our own skin when faced with the task of speaking our own truth. Whether it is coming out or letting our personal beliefs known, it can be frightening to be that vulnerable. What if people hate me? What if it makes my whole career crash and burn?

Two recent news stories reminded me that even if the worse outcome happens, it is still for the best. In the end your integrity and truth matter far more than any one job, relationship, or the court of public opinion. And, she who has the courage to stand up for her truth in the face of adversity will ultimately win out even if it takes a little longer than we might like.

Last night, the Dixie Chicks won five Grammy awards essentially showing the world that speaking your truth, even if unpopular, doesn’t have to be a negative thing. Four years ago they ignited major controversy (not to mention death threats, radio boycotts, and concert bans) when they spoke their minds on the topic of President Bush and the Iraq war. While you may or may not agree with their opinions, the fact is, many people fought and died for our rights as Americans to speak our truth. Why then, do we tend to crucify people when they speak up? Their song “Not Ready to Make Nice” is an unapologetic anthem to their right to speak their truth and with five Grammy awards including best album for “Taking the Long Way Home”, I’m certain they now not only feel good for standing up for their own integrity but also for this outside validation of their courage.

In the latest issue of W Magazine, Ellen Degeneres appears on the cover. In the online interview she talks about her lowest lows following the backlash of her coming out on the Ellen show. Personally and professionally she took a bit hit and hit bottom. Yet, never once did she regret having come out. In fact, she considers the whole ordeal a blessing “Because I got to learn that I was strong enough to start over again.” Of course, now Ellen is on top of the world with her talk show and hosting the Oscars. It proves that speaking your truth pays off in the end because not only do you get to stay in integrity with yourself but you ultimately show up in your career and personal life from a much more couragous and authentic space. That in and of itself is part of what success is really about.

How about you? Are you living and speaking your truth?

Our bodies hold the clues to what we are really feeling. They harbor the answers to the tough questions we often struggle to answer. The problem is, this world is a “thinking world” and we’ve learned to dismiss our bodies entirely figuring what they have to say doesn’t hold a candle in credibility to thoughts, facts, rationalizations, and other people’s opinions. The problem with dismissing our bodies however is that we actually have to LIVE in then for our duration here on the planet and if you’re not listening to its messages you can rest assured that it will rebel.

As someone who has made some incongruent choices in my life, I have firsthand experience with ignoring my body’s signals. As a result over the years I’ve had the distinct pleasure of experiencing bouts of nagging illness, chronic pain, anxiety, panic attacks, and injuries that could have easily been prevented. And I got whacked with these gems as a result of just persevering, making the best of it, listening to others, rationalizing, and following the stupid mantra of ‘no pain/no gain’.

That’s the bad news. The good news is that the gift of these experiences has been learning more about how to listen to my body’s messages while it is whispering to me rather than waiting for it to drop a brick on my head.

I got to thinking about this topic today as I was catching up on my podcast listening. Pam Slim at Escape from Cubicle Nation recently had a podcast interview with Martha Beck to talk about getting in touch with the work you’re meant to do. Martha Beck is a leading expert life coach, author, and therapist. She wrote one of my favorite books Finding Your Own North Star and is a regular contributor to O Magazine. She has such a way with words and I love the humor she brings to both everyday and complex topics.

In this interview Martha talks about how our bodies contract when placed in negative environments. Even if it is subtle, the body contracts when faced with something that is negative or doesn’t “fit” with who we really are. This explains why we tend to tense up and experience incredible chronic pain when we work in cubicles and repetitive jobs that we don’t like. We don’t notice our body’s whisper, so over time it manifests itself in health and mood issues as we march along a path that isn’t right for us. I thought this quote from Tim Sanders in his blog sums it up nicely. (While his article is written the context of a company’s leadership, it is a GREAT question to ask yourself each and every day to determine if your body is trying to tell you something). In this quote he is referring to people showing up for work in the morning.

“When people show up in the morning, at that moment where they turn off the car and have that second of silence before they grab their security badge and cross the threshold–do they have a song in their heart or a pit in their stomach?”

Here’s a hint — if you answered “pit in your stomach” it is time for a change. People who tell you that “you’ll get used to it” are full of crap. My answer to them has always been “If I bang my head on a cinderblock, I’ll eventually get used to the pain and blood but that doesn’t mean it is good for me.”

How about you? Do you listen to your body regularly or have you been estranged from it since childhood? I do admit that it takes practice to learn to listen to your body. I’ll be the first to admit that I still have a way to go when it comes to being an expert at it and having it come naturally. My nature is to be competitive, to struggle, and to work damn hard at something persevering well past the point of reason. As someone who biked 80 miles in the pouring rain and cold experiencing hypothermia and winding up with 2 torn Achilles tendons all in the name of charity, I can tell you that sometimes the “just suck it up” and “finish at all costs” mentality is simply stupid and destructive. Fortunately for me I have learned these lessons along the way and no longer make such lunkheaded moves (at least not regularly!).

If you’re not sure where to start, here are some hints to help you start getting in touch with the messages your body has for you.

• Get quiet everyday for at least a few minutes through meditation or prayer. Just notice how your body feels (don’t judge it or think about it, just observe it).
• As you’re rushing around anxiously throughout your day, take the time to ground yourself and notice your body in the moment by stopping and touching something in your physical space.
• Stop what you’re doing and just notice your feet on the floor and your breath moving in and out of your body.
• Simply ask yourself — what am I feeling right now? How does my body feel right now? Open your ears and heart to listen to the answer.

Listening to your body isn’t rocket science. The wisdom it holds for you, though is far more valuable than you can imagine. So, why not get started today.

In the December 2006 issue of Out Magazine, Martina Navratilova is profiled as one of the “100 Men and Women Who Rocked 2006″. In the article is a quote from Martina that so very much sums up my philosophy on coming out.

“If you don’t come out, you are living in a self-inflicted prison. That is no way to live.”

Trying to be someone you’re not and living a lie is a self-inflicted prison whether it pertains to your sexuality or any other part of your authentic self. And, I know for a fact that from a self-inflicted prison it is pretty darn hard to truly be successful. Oh, you might “fool ‘em” for a while and experience some external trappings of success, but at what cost? And eventually the truth comes around full circle one way or another.

You might think… that’s easy for her to say, she’s Martina after all — tennis goddess, fit, beautiful, successful, established in her career. That is all true now, but not at the time she boldly went where no woman ever went before in professional tennis and publicly came out. Not only did she risk her entire career but she also risked her home and safety because of the conditions in her native country. And, my bet is she pissed off more than her fair share of people in the US as well. But, could you see Martina being anyone but Martina? Not really, and that is the beauty of being authentic.

It takes courage to come out but courage is a small price to pay for feeling free and confident in who you are. Are you feeling like a prisoner in one or more areas of your life? If so, what are you waiting for? If you’re scared or unsure, that is certainly understandable. If that’s the case, get the support you need — a trusted friend, therapist, online resource, or coach – and start taking steps to remove the walls that keep you stuck in a life that doesn’t quite feel right.

It seems everywhere you turn someone is ogling at a celebrity or famous person. We spend more time worrying about the details of other peoples lives than we do our own. We hear a speaker, listen to a musician, or see a movie and think, “Wow, I wish I could be like her!” Well, you CAN. And in many ways you already ARE.

Do this Exercise:

1. Think of three people that you admire and write their names down. They can be people you know or someone famous.
2. List what qualities they possess that attract your admiration.
3. Now, ask yourself — where in your life do you demonstrate these same qualities (either now or in the past)?

For example, you might say that you admire Melissa Etheridge. The qualities that she has that draw you to her are: authentic and creative. You might write down that you are authentic when you are with your partner and feel truly free to be who you really are when you’re with her. Or, you might write that you are a very creative cook.

Now, make the connection — you really do have the same positive qualities as this other person. So, why then don’t you treat yourself like the star you really are?

Part of the work I do as an Integrative Coach, trained by Debbie Ford is to help people uncover their shadows that keep them from having all that they want in their lives. We often think of the shadow as something negative or dark; those “dark shadows” which everyone has which sabotage us. Equally standing in our way of getting what we want are our light shadows, those beautiful, brilliant parts of ourselves that we refuse to acknowledge. Our inner superstar, if you will. Not recognizing these parts of ourselves gets in our way as well because we refuse to risk or let our brilliant talents and uniqueness shine because we are afraid. So, we give our power away. We project it onto the people we admire figuring they have something we don’t and that’s why they’ll be successful while we’ll be only mediocre (or worse, a failure) and so we play it safe.

The problem with this thinking is that “safe” is not really safe. It is simply boring and settling for the “known” even if it is not our heart’s desire. Not to mention, imagine what the world is missing when you hold back and don’t share your true self and talents with others. What if Ilene Chaiken never bothered to put pen to paper and figured she’d be better off as an accountant because she had a belief that what she had to say didn’t matter? Who would make us laugh if Ellen Degeneres decided it was safer to be a short order cook than a comedian? Where would music fans be if Melissa Etheridge decided to become a secretary because it was the more responsible choice?

These seem like silly questions when you look in hindsight at someone whose success has impacted us greatly. Yet, in order for them to get where they are, they had to embrace their inner superstar on at least some level to put themselves out there and persevere.

All things can be possible when you unleash your light. So, identify those qualities in others that turn you on and then turn the volume up on those same qualities that already reside in you.