Have you ever noticed that when your self-confidence is low others seem to take advantage of you?  Perhaps you’re feeling a little low in your mind and then all of a sudden things just keep going awry.  It feels like:

• No one is listening to you
• Everyone is getting the best of you
• No matter how hard you try, you don’t seem to get the results you want

I know I have felt that way a lot.  I would say something and it would seem like I’m speaking Greek as everyone looks at me like I’m crazy or worse yet ignores me entirely.  Being a generous person I would give a little bit extra and then be taken advantage of in a big way.  I would attempt to guide a project in an optimal direction and team members would pull us way off course. It never seemed to end.

So what was happening?  I swear it took me what seemed like forever to find all the missing pieces.  I knew raising my level of consciousness would help. I knew stepping into a new level of confidence would help.  Boundaries were an absolute must.  Stronger leadership would certainly change the outcome.

Yet I never quite had the mystery illustrated in such an eloquent way as I did during my weekend with the horses. One of my favorite parts of that weekend was when we did an exercise called temptation alley. Now you have to remember that at this point in the weekend I had moved through my initial terror by picking up the horse’s hooves but that was all.  This exercise meant I had to lead my horse (and a damn big horse he was I might add…) on a lead through a ring and then up and down temptation alley.  It consisted of a narrow walkway (the alley) and was bordered on both sides by hay and buckets of food (the temptation) and we had to stop and pause for ten seconds several times (to increase the horse’s desire to dive for the temptation).  Great!

I had the advantage of watching several of my colleagues go first. So I was well aware of just how opportunistic the horses could be when faced with temptation and a momentary lapse in leadership. Let’s just say horses were diving for food, buckets were rolling around, and people were pulling with all their might on the lead attempting to regain the respect of their horse.  By itself this was truly amusing I have to say…watching strong women leaders I respect being schooled by the horses on a blissful summer day. Knowing I had to go next took the amusement factor down a notch.

As a woman handed me the reigns to my horse she said “Oh don’t feel bad if he gets away on you, he likes to run.” Great!  I thought to myself there is no way I am going to let that happen, so I simply decided to stand tall and lead as we were instructed – guiding the horse properly and “interrupting the thought” consistently. (Interrupting the thought meant preventing the horse from diving for food or grass by changing our grip on the lead.)  I liken interrupting the thought to handling objections just before or as they are surfacing, setting and enforcing boundaries, and simply teaching others how you wish to be treated.  It prevents someone else (in this case the horse) from yanking you around or taking you down a road where you are suddenly at a disadvantage, having lost ground, lost respect, and relinquished your leadership to an opportunist.

When I led my horse through the alley I experienced the clear difference between success and being had by an opportunist.  I was successful and quite proud of myself except for the one time we stopped and for just a split second I broke my concentration and presence and boom, his nose headed to the bucket like lightning.  Damn!  It took more effort for me to regain leadership of my horse from that one misstep than for all the other exercises we did combined.  The same holds true in life – it is much harder to reclaim leadership, respect, and boundaries if you’ve let someone get away with dishonoring them in the first place. This doesn’t mean it can’t be done; in fact we really do this all the time as we go along our journey living and learning.  However, you can claim a stronger role in all you do if you honor and respect yourself by the choices you make and how you teach others to treat you from the get go. When you bend on your own standards of integrity (“oh just this time I will lower my standards or say yes when I mean no”) you are disrespecting yourself and telling your client, boss, co-worker, family, (aka your horse) it’s ok to walk over you and have anything they want at your expense.

My Coach’s Temptation Alley Request for You

You might not have the wisdom of the horses at your disposal but you can practice interrupting the thought and bolstering your own confidence every day. Here are a few action items you can take to move this into practice right away:

• Notice where the people in your life attempt to dive for what they want at your expense.  Do they:
  • Relentlessly ask you for more, more, more while disrespecting the agreements you have or the boundaries you set?
  • Continue to ask (or beg) you to do something you have already said no to?
  • Disrespect you by demanding their needs are always met while yours get put on the back burner?
  • Do something else creative to satisfy their opportunistic desires?
• Now, notice for each of the above ask yourself:
  • How have I allowed and contributed to this behavior?
  • What have I taught them about how to treat me?
  • How do I feel about these situations? (And if you try to discount your feelings, ask yourself more tangibly– what would happen if I acted this way while leading a horse? What would the detrimental result be? )
• Lastly, ask yourself – what stands in my way of being more of the person I want to be?
  • Lack of confidence?
  • Not enough clarity?
  • Feeling stuck or trapped?
  • Fear of stepping up?

It’s never only about a situation or another person.  Personal responsibility always lies within.  By delving into these questions fully you can begin to unearth what is really going on and how it is holding you back from living your best life right now.

Need support navigating your own temptation alley day to day so you can experience more success on your own terms and enjoy the journey?  Reach out for a complimentary Intuitive Intelligence Activation Session at http://www.thepaulagcompany.com/application and take back the reigns of your own life.

I was watching the recent on-air interview reconciliation between Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant (a former protégé of Oprah’s who vanished from the TV scene eleven years ago) and have to say I was shocked. Shocked but not surprised that even two powerful, successful women who are each spiritual leaders in their own right fell prey to the unintended consequences that come when communications are incomplete and assumptions are made. When the lack of full confidence in who you are sets you up for disaster.

• Have you ever had an important conversation with someone and then seen it blow up in your face?
• Spoken your truth in a way that was not received by the other person the way it was intended?
• Wondered why something so good suddenly went bad or vanished without a trace leaving you scratching your head and saying, “what happened?”

It’s painful. I know because I have experienced this numerous times in my life. I’ve lost important relationships that caused me great pain and loneliness even though in hindsight I knew they were meant to fade away. I’ve had my chutzpah handed to me on a platter when I’ve enthusiastically spoken up in professional settings in a way that could not be received. I’ve had to heal relationships when what was intended and said was not how it was received.

It hurts; it can sabotage your success, and can cost you time and energy healing relationships that you never had any intention of damaging in the first place.

So what can you do differently? That’s where the lessons illustrated beautifully by this television interview come in.

During this no-holds barred exchange both women showed us what it means to be powerful in your own vulnerability. It was oh-so-clear how misunderstandings can occur and on a grand scale and how both pain and purpose result. Here’s what stood out for me as important lessons:

Confidence is an Inside-Out Job
One of the most touching moments in this interview was when Iyanla said that she thought the world only wanted the work and not her(as a person). Even with all the poise, confidence, and verve that were her signature teaching style on the inside she was still feeling “not enough”, that someone would want her just for being her and not what she could do for the other person. Make no mistake that this pain was at the heart of the misunderstood communications and lost opportunities that followed. When you feel not worthy or “less than” you cannot command your power.

Incomplete Communications and Assumptions Create Train Wrecks
When only part of the story is told or able to be received communication is incomplete. When assumptions are made the very premise of understanding is skewed. It’s like viewing something through a fun-house mirror of glass. You can never assume what someone else’s experience is like. You can empathize and seek to understand, but you truly can never know what it is like for someone else. This is where powerful questions and inquiry make all the difference in getting to clear, mutual understanding.

Both Pain and Purpose Flow from Difficult Circumstances
Inevitably pain flows from painful circumstances. It’s obvious. What often takes time to see clearly is the purpose and meaning that flows from them as well. There is always a reason we are experiencing what we are, even if it not clear to us. Usually it can be clear in hindsight and sometimes the clarity never comes. Yet it is up to you to make your mess into an opportunity to grow and be more purposeful.

Reach Out for Reconciliation
If you feel called, reach out. Be willing to be vulnerable and reconcile by cleaning up incomplete communications. Even if the other party is not willing or able to reconcile with you, you can do what you need to do in order to release and forgive (especially forgiving yourself). Without forgiveness you forever drag a lead anchor around with you that keep you stuck in the past in a negative way. You cannot move forward effectively with one foot stuck in the past.

Our Humanness Levels the Playing Field
While the show focused on this very high-profile situation, at the end of the day it is the beauty in our brokenness and our humanness that unites rather than divides us. No amount of money or success could protect these women from the emotional impact of what happened. So, while this misunderstanding profiles the high stakes of the television industry, a media mogul, and spiritual teacher the same type of situations play out every day in workplaces, business relationships, and households across the globe. In your life and in mine. It is what we do with them that makes all the difference.

Have you ever needed to make a decision and then just when you thought you knew what you wanted to do, doubted yourself?  In the “I want to do x,y,z…well, I don’t know maybe I shouldn’t?  What if it’s the wrong choice? Maybe I don’t deserve it?” sort of way.

C’mon… tell me you haven’t ever done this, I dare you!

Almost everyone has felt this way at some time or another, but the question is – how familiar is this routine for you?

• Do you make it a habit to second-guess all your decisions?
• Do you doubt yourself from the get-go whenever an opportunity or challenge presents itself?
• Do you adopt inaction/keeper of the status quo as your mode of operation because you don’t want to risk taking action or speaking up because you might not do the “right” thing?

If this rings a bell, it is costing you in many ways.  You may “think” it is insignificant, but in reality it costs you confidence and money.  That’s right, it literally costs you money. Here’s why…

I used to spend hours, days and months, even years locked in analysis paralysis. I could sit in a cup of self-doubt for what seemed like forever. For several years there I made it my full time job.  Here’s a sneak peek from one of those times early in my career.  My boss would give me a new, more challenging assignment.  While I knew I was intelligent and could figure anything out given time and resources, I would almost immediately launch into a panic. I would doubt my abilities, beat myself up because I wasn’t an instant expert at something I had never done before, and literally think “who am I to think I can be any good at this?”   Everywhere I looked all I could see where obstacles and more opportunities to second-guess myself.

So you can see where this was not the best way to go about achieving something, right?  You can see how this behavior kept me from stepping up to do new things and expand my responsibilities into a higher paying position, right?

I would gut it out through the project, turn in great results, and then what do you think I would do?    That’s right…head right back to second-guessing myself all over again the next time something new came along.  Rather than build on my achievements I would stay stuck because I couldn’t count on myself. I didn’t have the confidence I yearned for.

I share just this one example from my life, but you can see how living in a state of second-guessing leads to:

• Low self-confidence (even in the face of high achievement).
• Less opportunities flowing to you (who wants to offer opportunities to the scared and indecisive woman?).
• Reduced earning power because you never ask for or receive the money you deserve for the value you provide.

Wouldn’t you rather be someone who:

• Possesses unshakable confidence under any circumstance?
• Can pick and choose from multiple lucrative opportunities?
• Has money flow to you continuously and abundantly and is well compensated for the way you serve others?

Imagine what would be possible for you if you no longer second guessed your every move and simply moved forward with ease?  Would decision-making be easier? Would you feel less guilty?  Would you have more success?  Would you simply just be happier and more peaceful?

Well, you CAN.  Confidence doesn’t “just happen”, but you can acquire and develop it.  All you must do is be willing to do some inner reflection and then move that into action each and every day in all that you do.

It breaks down into two powerful questions that I invite you to reflect upon and journal about:

1)      Who am I and what kind of person do I most want to be?

2)      What actions do I need to take to be that person now?

If you’re ready to make all that second-guessing yourself a thing of the past, join me this month starting September 21^st for a powerful and intimate four-week journey that is guaranteed to have you feeling more confident under any circumstance.  Learn more & register at www.thepaulagcompany.com/teleclass/confidence4week.html Space is limited, so don’t miss out on this rare opportunity.

Have you ever been told to just adopt a positive attitude?
Practice positive affirmations?
Shift your thinking to a new, more empowering belief?

If so, how did that work for you?

If you’re anything like me, you tried to think positive thoughts and adopt more productive beliefs but it was only through sheer force of will that you managed to wrestle with the practice for even a short while. Sooner or later your insides sounded the alarms and you finally thought (or maybe even yelled it out loud) – “This is such BS, I don’t feel young, thin, and rich one freaking bit!” (or whatever you were attempting to affirm). And so you went back to the cynicism and self-defeating patterns feeling just a little worse about yourself than you did when you started.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times this happened to me. There was a time in the past when if one more person told me I just needed to have a positive attitude about things that I could have laid them out flat. It’s not because I was unwilling to change nor was it because a positive attitude isn’t beneficial. It’s because the whole positive affirmation and create a new belief thing is only half the story. Throwing ice cream on top of poop doesn’t negate the fact that there is poop there and that if you eat your way through the ice cream…well, you know… you won’t be loving that next spoonful!

That is why when I am doing belief work and shifting thoughts and behaviors that are not serving me, I always apply the BS test to it. I ask my clients to do the same when I work with them. Because no matter how powerful a tool you use to transform your beliefs, if you can’t buy-in to the next step, more empowering belief on your path, you only set yourself up for failure. You can’t force an attitude change and you certainly can’t sustain it. No matter how much you tell yourself something different, if you are feeling in your bones that it is a bunch of crap, it isn’t going to work. 

What needs to happen to make a positive change stick are three things:

1) Identify what is really going on and the source of that belief. Do whatever healing work is necessary to address any pain or hurt associated with it so you can clear a path forward.

2) Articulate a new, more empowering belief that is the very next best step for you. Apply the BS test to make sure it feels authentic in your bones (it may feel like a stretch because it is new to you and you may have to “fake it till you make it”, but YOU shouldn’t feel like a fake.). In other words you’re not likely to make the leap from “I’m $50,000 in debt and bad with money to I’m a wildly abundant millionaire who is financially savvy” in one jump. It would set the BS alarms off far and wide and sabotage your ability to move forward at all. However you might be able to more effectively live into a new belief like “I am learning and actively becoming a good steward of my money.”

3) Start gathering evidence to support this new way of thinking and being. Start living it in the way you can right now. You only believe what you believe because it has been reinforced as true for you. If you don’t like what you’re experiencing, now is the time to create a new reality.

Positive affirmations can and do work as long as they are aligned with who you are and are capable of being.  With a willingness and even a small opening to something new you can begin to shed the beliefs that are holding you back without all the BS.

Are you as confident as you’d like to be? I mean REAL confidence at your core, where you feel fully comfortable in your own skin. It has nothing to do with what you are doing…it transcends that. The truth is that wherever you go, there you are. If you do not feel fully confident in who you are at the core of your being you can’t experience the success that’s meant for you. Want to be more confident in your career, as you build your business, network with others, speak your prices to potential clients? First you need to grow your roots deeply so you are fully confident and trusting in YOU.

So last week I joined a new gym and this week I hired a personal trainer.  Yes it shocked even me.  Not because it’s not my thing, but because I am already a  consistent, disciplined exerciser.  I love to exercise and am a 5-6 day a week person (or more) consistently, all the time, rain or shine, etc.  So why the shift and new investment?  And, why now?

Well, simply because I always tell my clients – “your best thinking got you where you are, and you need someone else’s guidance to get you somewhere new”.  It’s time for something new for me.  I’ve been bored maintaining my routine for 2.5 years since I got laid off and it is time to shake things up a bit.  I loved, loved, loved when I had a trainer, a gym, and a program when I worked my day job.  In fact some of those fitness instructors were the absolute best – innovative, fun, creative, and reliable.  I miss it.  Not to mention working from home not only eliminated my daily commute but also eliminated all that collateral movement I had built into each day.  Walking from the car to the building, up the stairs, up and down all day long, over to the gym, down for coffee, etc.  Now I wander down my one flight of stairs to my office and shuffle back and forth to the water and tea pot.  Not exactly the calorie burn one might like.  10,000 steps a day?  Very damn funny…

Today I did their little fitness baseline. I have to say in the past I would’ve used the numbers (albeit some are some canned computer program that like most standardized tests are, well, totally skewed and irrelevant to certain individuals) to beat myself up. After all, I feel fit, I can go cardio for a long darn time.  I put in 1,500 miles on my bike last year, etc.  Yet some of the number just don’t lie.  It’s time to burn some more calories and work muscles that I have been missing with my regular routine.  There’s a reason we hit plateaus and get stagnant.  While confidence is my expertise, the area of my body has always been perhaps my least confident area.   I’m leaps and bounds ahead of where I was at one time, but truthfully it is still an area I need to self-coach myself a lot.  It’s a vulnerable spot for me. Yet today I felt far different than ever before.  I’m not emotionally charged by any of it (other than excited for a new challenge).  I also immediately gave myself full permission to use all the resources and knowledge at my disposal from working with integrative nutritionists and other health professionals to make my own choices about what I do or do not do.  A little software program is not going to suddenly be smarter than me.

Unfortunately, for many women this is not the case. They give up their power to someone or something else and then just feel badly about themselves.  This does nothing to help you feel confident, comfortable in your own skin, and ready for success in your business and life.

So I invite you to choose differently.  Gather information, make new choices outside your comfort zone, invest time and money in your well-being, and then totally embrace the you that is before you right here, right now.

Check out some other great stories on making this fitness leap:

• Getting in Shape – Hiring a Personal Trainer
• 6 Ways to Hold Yourself Accountable to a Fitness Routine
• Set, Reach, Surpass

I’ll be sure to let you know just how sore I am after my first few sessions!

Photo by: Flickr

Do you feel intimidated in the face of powerful clients or big money? Have you ever changed your policies or compromised your mode of operation to accommodate a client or employer because they were affluent or yielded power? If you have, you’ve sold yourself short because of a hidden (or sometimes not so hidden) intimidation factor that happens when you stand in the face of a seemingly powerful force.

We all naturally are drawn to want to land that big job or big client. The lure of big money drives us all even if money is not really our primary motivation. The right job or client, for you, can be great, yet in the rush of possibility or pressure, sometimes you can totally lose sight of what you really want. A promise of a big windfall followed by a weak moment can lead you down a path opposite of your vision and what you initially set out to create. Before you know it you’re careening down a hill without brakes.

What you need to succeed in these instances is the ability to stay grounded and centered even while in the face of big clients or big money. Grounded so you can make a conscious choice and not get sucked into the lure of a fantasy that you don’t even want. My favorite description of this phenomenon was written by Pam Slim of Escape from Cubicle Nation when she wrote “Choosing Between a Crack Pipe and a Shot of Wheatgrass Juice”. She describes this rush of temptation of being pulled from her current vision like this:

Yesterday, I had a jolt of adrenaline which I would only imagine could be equated with the rush felt by crack addicts. I was asked to facilitate a meeting of high-powered female executives, politicians and movie stars all in support of a really good cause. It is the kind of opportunity that is the consultant’s version of a P Diddy video, except instead of vats of Cristal and scantily clad beautiful women, it is elbow-rubbing with Gucci-clad female executives, exchanging gold-plated business cards and magical phrases such as “you should really talk to …”

As she shares in this post and in more depth in her book, at times like these you need a swig of wheatgrass juice:

Keeping clear with my life purpose and business vision, which I call drinking wheatgrass juice, will give me long-term physical, emotional and spiritual satisfaction. It is not a fast high, it is a lifetime of making smart, healthy choices.

This metaphorical wheatgrass juice is a way of staying grounded in your vision, your desires, your career even when tempted to bend to satisfy a difficult client’s demands or indulge in a short-term high that would pull you off course.

I love Andrea J. Lee’s take on this subject in “Big Client. Big Money. (Big Intimidation. Or, not?) | Top 10 Tips for Handling Yourself in Those Moments, Part 1″.  In her experience, big money doesn’t have to be unnerving, but can instead have a solid, grounded, and fortifying influence.  Her #1 tip speaks directly to the point I started this article with:

(1) Don’t be overeager/gush/be awed by celebrity or fame.

This is one of the most off-putting energies you can bring to the table. In fact, one of the biggest ways you can distinguish yourself working with affluent clients is your lack of flightiness. As thrilling as the opportunity might be, standing solidly on your own two feet, comfortable in your value, you will signal your likely ability to work well together long term.

You’re witnessed it. You’ve likely been the one doing it.  But that gushing “yes, yes, yes” thing that happens when you’re in awe of or feeling ‘not worthy’ of being in the presence of someone with power or money sells your self-esteem up the river.  Everyone is on equal footing in this world from a worthiness standpoint.  Stand in your own space and BE there.

This approach is handy not only for that prospective job or client but also for dealing with existing clients, co-workers, bosses, etc. Firing a client is not always easy, but again, sometimes it is just what you need – a swig of Pam’s wheatgrass juice.  Consider this – there are many different ways to fire a client, but all require that you stay grounded in yourself regardless of whether the client is some bigwig or offers big payola.  I found this article by Jane Out of the Box about “Firing Clients: How Three Types of Female Entrepreneurs Handle it When Things Just Don’t Work Out” very interesting. It shows how very differently the three types of “Jane’s” – Jane Dough, Tenacity Jane, and Accidental Jane handle the same event (firing a client). While their approaches are different in the end:

No business owner wants to fire a client. It’s difficult to accept that something just isn’t working out. But sometimes all you can do is to get out, and it proves to be best for both parties involved. Whether you’re a Jane Dough, an Accidental Jane or a Tenacity Jane, when it’s time to cut and run, you can do it. And you’ll be better off for it.

What all these scenarios have in common is that you need to be confident and grounded so you can make the best choices for you even in the face of the intimidation of big money.  How do handle these situations?  What are some of your success stories and nightmare encounters?

Photo Credit: stock.xchng

Go ahead, there’s no wind-up necessary, you can simply answer the question for yourself:

“How confident do you feel?”

What happens in your body as you answer this? Do you feel some butterflies in your stomach or does your heart skip a few beats? Experience a little hesitancy in your voice? Perhaps you aren’t sure how to answer because you feel totally confident in one area of your life or business but riddled with doubt in another?

If so, you’re not alone.

Read my recent article to finish answering the question How Confident Are You? and learn how you can double your confidence in only a few months time.

This weekend I had the privilege of speaking at the Bucks County Day for All Women event on the topic of Self Care as a Priority to Succeed.  You see, we blow off self-care as being unimportant but that is like saying the foundation of your building doesn’t matter.  Eventually it’ll leave you in the lurch.  We use all sorts of excuses for not practicing self-care.  On this recording my audience shares a number of them. Things like:

• Not enough time
• Worry about money
• Fear
• Guilt

But… I let them in on the REAL secret behind why we don’t practice self-care.  Hear this 7 minute snippet from that part of my 75 minute talk.

Then, if you want to get more of this secret ingredient in your life — sign up for my free eCourse to start building your own reserve of _________. (see you have to listen to the audio to find out, thought I’d let the cat out of the bag, didn’t you!)

Recently I had the privilege of visiting the Statue of Liberty for the first time.  I thought it would be fun, but I wasn’t expecting to be so viscerally moved by Lady Liberty.  As I listened to the history behind her I realized that she has a lot to teach us about confidence, self-esteem, and possibility in the face of adversity.   Much of her history really speaks to an unlikely combination of paradoxes and circumstances that don’t seem congruent with the times. Yet, all these years later she remains as a symbol not only of freedom, but also of perseverance and confidence in spite of whatever happens in the world around us.  One only has to remember the images of her in the smoke clouds of September 11, 2001 to get a searing and moving image of just how  symbolic and timeless she is.

Here’s a few facts that, while not a news flash by any account, really made an impression on me.  Perhaps it was my total resistance to learning history while in school, but I have to say some of the history behind the places I visit really finally allows things to make sense.

The Statue of Liberty was dedicated on October 28, 1886, designated as a National Monument in 1924 and restored for her centennial on July 4, 1986.

Let’s think about 1886.  In the United States, the Women’s Suffrage movement was just underway. Women did not even have the right to vote yet. That came in 1920 when the Nineteenth Amendment was ratified. Yet, here the idea for the statue was first brought forth in 1865.  Even after listening to the full audio tour while visiting Liberty Island, I have yet to really figure out how they chose a woman as their symbol.  Personally I’d like to think they were ahead of their time!  While in daily life, women were relegated as second class citizens without any real power outside the home, here was this massive statue being built.  Let me tell you that while the statue looks strong in photos, in person I can tell you that she is so much more.  It is totally humbling.  She is certainly not the image of some second class citizen.  Her features are strong, powerful, and confident.   Her dimensions are huge, but what amazed me was the strength and muscular build of this woman.  She epitomizes strength, self-assurance, and confidence.

So here are a few tidbits that I took away from being in her presence that I think are relevant to all women today:

1. Confidence comes from within – regardless of the decorum of the times, she transcends it and while she isn’t a “real person”, what you can learn from her is that you can be confident too regardless of what others around you have to say about it.
2. Ignore those who say it isn’t possible – do you really think someone would think it possible that a woman would become this enduring symbol on a global scale at a time when women had little rights?  Tune out the naysayers. People will think you’re nuts until you accomplish the seemingly impossible, then you suddenly become a genius.
3. Stand tall and proud – regardless of what happens around you, stand tall and proud in who you are right now. That is the most attractive and inspiring thing you could possibly do.

If you ever get the chance, take the opportunity to visit this amazing structure. The perspective it gives you is worth it.  Even if you can’t get there in person anytime soon, just take a few moments, gaze into this photo of her, look her in the eyes, and ask – What do I need more or less of so I can tap into more of the essence of who I really am?  Then listen deeply…