This weekend I had the chance to walk in my first Pride parade as part of New Hope Celebrates. I joined the Bucks County Lesbian Alliance(BCLA) group for the parade route and had a great time. It has been ages since I last attended any specific Pride event and the first time I ever got to be up close and personal in part of the official fun. I can remember years ago when I first came out (say like 16 years ago… as long as my partner and I have been together… it’s a story & a revelation, let’s just say that) — we were a magnet to attend Pride and Women’s Festivals for the first few years. Since then we’ve been out and about doing a variety of things, but never found our way back to the fest.

I’m not a big parade or party person in general. I’m more of a quiet, small group of friends type of social engagement. Or, more likely out and about in nature solo, with my partner, or a small group of like-minded folks gay or straight. Yet I have to say this first experience was very moving! What the heck have I been waiting for?

While the parade was fairly short and sweet it was a lot of fun. To see the streets lined with folks cheering us on and to run around like a crazy person handing out pride beads it was quite the rush. A nice crowd of folks LGBT and allies standing in a show of support. Truly gives me hope for the future and one day actually having full and equal rights as those that can marry. Governor Ed Rendell made an appearance at the front of the parade and spoke following its conclusion. Regardless of one’s political views it is always encouraging to see public officials make the time to stand with the gay community in solidarity. After all there are a million other engagements they could attend and/or they could shun us entirely (our country has been run by that latter group for the last 8 years).

Whether you march in a parade, participate in the shadows, or simply stand tall and proud in who you are day to day, there’s nothing quite like the personal power that comes from being comfortable in your own skin and just showing up and being present for yourself.

In the course of the day I learned about a documentary project called “Embraceable You” which is being film in and is about the diversity within the New Hope, PA community. If you check out their site you can donate to the project as well as learn more.

Here’s some more photos from the day:

In honor of today being “Blogging for LGBT Families Day”, I wanted to talk a little about the single most important lesson you can teach your kids. While I’m no expert in raising kids (my cats aren’t too hung up on worry or guilt long as they see food, water, and fresh litter), I do know that teaching your kids how to be comfortable in their own skin is the most important lesson you can ever gift them. And, the good news is that you get to learn more about yourself and benefit in the process.

LGBT families bring a whole additional level of confidence and self-esteem challenges both for the parents and the kids. This means in order to thrive you need to be even more comfortable in your skin than the typical Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids down the street configuration because you will have to address questions about who you are and what your family is about throughout the years.

So, why is being comfortable in your own skin the #1 lesson for you and your kids to learn? Because when you are comfy in your skin you will experience:

• More personal freedom
• Increased confidence
• Better relationships
• Increased earnings and low to no debt
• A willingness to do the things you most want to do
• Ability to speak your truth
• More authentic and true to yourself living
• Strong self-esteem
• And more…

Isn’t that something you really want for your kids? For yourself? And the flip side is that if you are feeling dis-ease with who you are and living in your own skin you’ll find yourself sabotaging yourself by:

• Saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no
• Letting people walk all over you
• Not taking a risk to do the things you most want to do or be the person you long to be
• Emotional spending to cover up the discomfort
• Not seeking or asking to be paid what you’re worth
• Playing ’small’ in your life and cowering from the truth
• Ignoring your health and well-being
• And all kinds of self-sabotaging behaviors

I’m guessing you don’t want this kind of life for your kids. You wouldn’t beat them up the way you sometimes beat yourself up with mental chatter and negative self-judgment.

Just imagine what would be possible for you, your kids, your family, the world around you if everyone came from a place of personal power and comfort in who they are. Pretty wild vision, right?

So, how can you start teaching your kids how to be comfortable in their skin at an early age knowing that inevitably they will bump up against mean kids, adults, bullies, and the general growing pains that come with self-discovery through the years? Teach them how to be their own best friend.

While there are several secrets to being comfortable in your own skin, being your own best friend is the best one to start with especially for kids. You can start this lesson very early on. Teach them to treat themselves as they want to be treated – with love, kindness, self-care, and understanding. Explain to them that they wouldn’t want some bully beating them up, right? If that’s the case then, tell them they first need to stop bullying themselves. Here’s some ways you can help them learn how to be their own best friend:

• Have them spend some time alone and quiet…without TV, videos, games, etc.
• Let them make choices that make them feel good — choosing the color of the paint in their room, picking what kind of food to have for dinner once a week, or any age appropriate decision that empowers them and lets them know they matter.
• Encourage them to read.
• Play some “games” of self-discovery with them or by themselves.
• Show them that it is OK to have feelings (all kinds, none are “good” or “bad”) and model appropriate behaviors to teach them healthy ways to express those feelings.
• Teach them self-care is A-OK and that their needs matter

And the single most important thing you can do to help teach them these lessons is to model them yourself. Actions always speak louder than words. How you act and behave around your own self-care and comfort in your own skin will have a bigger impact than any book, lecture, or interactive experiment you can give your kids. They will grow up being driven more by how things made them feel than by any textbook fact they ever learned. The good and bad news is that you get to grow and stretch yourself as you are teaching them. You both get to grow up a bit together. If you’re not sure how to get started or need support for yourself – by all means get it. There are a plethora of resources on this blog and at my website including free teleclasses that can help you build the confidence you need to share this most important lesson with your family.

In this installment of my interview series I get the pleasure of introducing you to Joanne Fleisher of Lavender Visions. I first heard of Joanne’s work when I was networking with some folks at the Bucks County Lesbian Alliance during a virtual networking meeting I hosted. Some time passed, and then I heard about Joanne again and then again. It was one of those things where the same message – “you should connect with Joanne” came to me several times and then I finally engaged my brain and contacted her. (Sometimes I need to listen more closely to the messages around me too!)

If you (or someone you know) is a married woman coming to grips with her sexuality, you won’t want to miss Joanne’s work. To learn more about Joanne in her own words…read on…

1) What was your inspiration to start Lavender Visions?

I was conducting my private therapy practice some 15 years ago, helping numerous women with coming out issues and other concerns that would have been helped best through support or therapy groups. There were NONE in Philadelphia at the time. I decided to fill that need.

There is always an issue of how to reach women who are dealing with different aspects of coming out when they are not connected to the gay media or resources. I saw the value of the Internet- back then even though most therapists were not yet using the Internet to reach people. Lavender Visions became the site I developed to market the groups that I was offering- which included, coming out, relationship loss, and married women attracted to women groups. Women who were searching the internet found me. I also used straight media resources to reach these women. Over the years I developed many resources that became a part of my web site.

2) Your personal and professional experience has dealt a lot with the struggles of discovering one’s sexuality while married to a man. What words of wisdom would you give to women today who are discovering their sexuality later in life especially women who are currently married?

If you are a married woman going through this transition, your life is filled with turbulence. You might want to make decisions just to end the overwhelming stress. Be patient, give yourself as much time as you need to make sure your choices come from within. Get the necessary support (therapy, books, support groups) to find a way of life that is authentic for you.

3)What kind of experience do you have/did you have before founding Lavender Visions?

Before going back to graduate school, I was involved in the Philadelphia women’s health care movement. I helped establish the first women owned and run healthcare clinic in the country (the Elizabeth Blackwell Clinic) and was an interim director. While raising my two children, I worked part time as a pregnancy options counselor. Later, I became the clinical supervisor of an organization called Women In Transition, dealing with addiction and domestic violence against women. Later, as a licensed clinical social worker in private practice, I provided psychotherapy to individuals, couples, and groups and worked as a consultant designing workshops and groups for other organizations. In recent years, I have overseen an advice/support Internet message board for married women who are lesbian, bi, or questioning their sexuality–the Ask Joanne board. And of course I had a book on the subject published in 2005, called Living Two Lives: Married to a Man & In Love with a Woman.

4) I love the fact that you work with lesbian couples using the imago therapy approach. Tell us a little about that approach and your work with lesbian couples.

Imago therapy recognizes that the patterns that appear in our relationships are often linked to unmet needs of our childhood. It’s no mistake that we find partners who will recreate familiar frustrations we experienced growing up. According to Imago theory, this creates an opportunity for partners to work together to heal childhood wounds. For example, if you had to take care of family members, you may find yourself always taking care of your partner. If you felt nobody would listen or take you seriously, you may feel unheard or misunderstood.

As an Imago therapist, I act as a coach for each couple, providing very specific skills to create more compassionate dialogue, different from old learned behaviors. Understanding the roots of reactive responses often eases our own reactions and allows us to listen with a new level of understanding. Behind most of our hurt and angry interactions lies a desire to just be understood.

I have found this approach in working with gays and lesbians is particularly powerful because it doesn’t pathologize behavior and tends to underscore the strengths and the affection expressed in our intimate relationships. Lesbian couples who come to therapy often have no one in their lives rooting for the relationship and validating their love and commitment. I see that as my role and I provide an atmosphere of respect and belief in the potential healthiness of each relationship.

5) Have you experienced any challenges in your professional life because you are a lesbian?

At an earlier point in my career I had to decide how to market my practice, how open I would be as a lesbian therapist. I knew that there would be individuals and even other professionals who would have less respect for that specialty (homophobia at work). And the fear was that it might limit my practice. I actually have found that many straight therapists and lesbian and gay clients appreciate my openness about being a lesbian therapist. My practice is largely, but not completely, lesbian, and it is as varied as any other practice in terms of problems areas and ethnic and cultural differences. It can be uncomfortable to be in a position of coming out constantly to people whenever they want to know what kind of work I do. The more I come out in those situations, however, the more self-affirmed I feel. I feel a sense of mission that many other professionals don’t have and that tends to outweigh the difficulties of being lesbian in a homophobic culture.

6) What keeps you going on the tough days?

Because I use the Internet and emails as a part of my practice, I receive the most incredibly appreciative messages about the help my book and my practice has provided. I have 2 grandchildren who give me a sense of rejuvenation and wonder. And I have a wonderful partner who listens and supports me.

7) What are your top three measures of success?

The love in my life: my partner (of 28 years), my grown children and grandchildren
Expressions of gratitude (from the women who have read my book or received help from me)
Recognition as an expert: leads to more economic success as well.

What has been the greatest joys and biggest challenges of being an author?

Again, the greatest joy is consistently hearing from the women who have read my book that it was life altering and helped them through a terribly difficult time. Having the opportunity to be on the Oprah show was a once in a lifetime exciting event.

The actual writing of the book while also working at my practice was very draining, and the publishing world is disrespectful of first time authors. There is almost no financial reward for the book itself.

9) What are some of the secrets that have worked (and those you discovered didn’t work so well) as you have balanced the demands of running a successful practice with personal pursuits?

When you work for yourself, you need to be very careful about setting limits on your time and availability. I am good at setting clear boundaries with clients. However, I love the creativity in the work that I do and I always come up with new ideas for new programs. This excitement can cause me to overextend myself. I am learning to stop what I am doing at the end of my workday. I am ever more conscious that life is finite and I must make the time and take the steps to do now what it is that I really desire for feeding my soul (yoga, exercise, travel, reading etc.).

10) What brings you the most joy personally or professionally?

Talking to people and learning from them- both personally and professionally. I also love watching my little grandchildren develop as human beings.

About Joanne

In 1978, Joanne Fleisher was married with two little girls, ages seven and nine, and living a comfortable suburban life. She discovered her attraction to another woman and her world turned topsy turvy.

It was the beginning of Joanne’s coming-out journey, filled with confusion, excitement, and fear. Eighteen months later, Joanne decided to leave her husband She and her husband worked out an amicable divorce with shared custody of the children. In 1979, few people were talking about those women who were married to men and yet seriously questioning their choices. She developed a career that would address many of her unmet needs of that time.

Joanne completed her master’s degree from Bryn Mawr School of Social Work in 1981, developed a clinical practice, and then began to create programs that would address the needs of other women like her. She provides workshops and support groups for married women, offers individual and couples therapy, as well as telephone consultation and counseling nationally and internationally for anyone involved with the married woman’s journey.

Joanne’s Web site (http://www.lavendervisions.com) describes her programs and offers resources. She moderates and provides expertise on a message board called “Ask Joanne”, on which she offers advice to women who are married to men and attracted to women. Today Joanne is in a 28 year relationship with a woman and is a grandparent of two little boys, and expects 2 more grandchildren in the near future.

I recently had the pleasure of meeting Deborah at a business networking event sponsored by the Bucks County Lesbian Alliance here where I live. I (and everyone in the room) was intrigued by her business venture Womynsmovies.com, an online DVD rental service specializing in offering movies of interest to gays and lesbians. She’s a sharp and smart lady with passion and a vision and thought you could benefit as well from getting to know more about her and Womynsmovies.com.

What was your inspiration to start womynsmovies.com?

My inspiration is my love of lesbian movies. Since my childhood was spent in Northern Ireland during the inspirational 70’s and 80’s it was extremely difficult to find any positive images of lesbians represented in television or the movies. I would be excited by any movie that featured lesbian characters and would secretly watch it after dark with the little pink triangle in the corner of my TV screen.These movies assisted me to make sense out of my life and to understand that my feelings towards women were neither unusual nor strange.

What kind of experience do you have/did you have before starting your
business?

Other than having square eyes from watching a lot of movies, I have the experience of being treated poorly as a customer, of being undervalued, of being overlooked, and of being viewed with disdain. I would like for any woman who joins www.womynsmovies.com to feel valued as a customer as well as respected as a person and to have access to a huge selection of movies that appeal to women.

What do you offer the LGBT movie lover that other rental services don’t?

At the time that I first started working on my business plan a well-known large DVD rental service offered only 235 gay and lesbian movies and out of those approximately 74 were of lesbian interest. What I found when I studied the offerings of Online DVD Rental businesses was that (1) GLBT movies were offered collectively to customers in one category and (2) the categories showed a preference in their offerings toward the gay male customer. Lesbian interest movies were taking second place and there were no categories specializing in movies for bisexual or transgendered women. While the offerings of major online DVD companies have slightly increased I find that those two items have remained consistent. I offer specialized categories focusing on movies of interest to women and a huge collection of movies from all genres including family and recent releases.

What keeps you going on the tough days?

My coffee, my dreams and my friends and family.

What are your top three measures of success?

If you can view yourself and your past actions without regret, if your friends can rely on you, and if you continue to try.

What is the wildest success story you can imagine for your business’ future?

I’m on an elevator in Palm Springs at the Dinah Shore weekend and I overhear a group of women talking about what a great company www.womynsmovies.com is.

What brings you the most joy personally or professionally?

Learning, being inspired and staying creative.

How can people learn more about WomynsMovies?

The best way is to visit the website at www.womynsmovies.com and sign up. I offer a 2 week free trial, low monthly subscription packages starting at $14.95 and a huge selection of movies.

Every October 11th the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered community recognizes National Coming Out Day; a day to celebrate, educate, inform, and stretch in terms of being honest with ourselves and with how we show up in the world. National Coming Out Day was born on Oct. 11, 1987, when half a million people participated in the March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. A complete historic timeline of important dates along the journey can be found on the HRC website.

This year’s theme is “Talk About It” .
Every time we talk openly and honestly about our lives, we get another step closer to equality. Why? Because studies show that people who personally know someone who is LGBT is more likely to become one of our allies because it puts a face, a person, and a name on the cause. It’s much harder to hate or discriminate against a group when someone you know and care about is a member of that group.

That is the basis of another new website aimed at promoting the conversations of equality. I Am Your Neighbor is a new website that has rallied around the belief that “Its easy to dehumanize people you don’t know”. Their goal, and that of National Coming Out Day is to encourage us to reduce the number of people who don’t know someone who is gay or lesbian. While I must say this whole approach seems to be lost on the high profile politicians (think: Mary Cheney, father Dick, and buddy George W.), it is a sound approach because when we know and like people in our lives, we empathize with and support them. The distant “they” (people they don’t know) becomes “one of us” (people in our lives). The trickle down can be tremendous in the richness of our day to day lives as well as the bigger fight for equality.

The thing about coming out is that you’re never really finished. Everytime you meet someone new or end up in a new situation you have to make the “to come out or not to come out” choice. While no one needs to come out to every Tom, Dick, and Jane that they meet, for professional women or business owners this becomes an issue in every new business situation, especially when part of the responsibility of the position is being “sociable” at events with peers, vendors, suppliers, or co-workers. That is why it is so important for the tide to turn and the lines of communication to constantly open up between us and those we interact with.

Personally I’d never out someone who didn’t want to be, but I do believe the only way to live a truly authentic and fulfilling life is to be honest with yourself and with others. Unless your safety is at stake, my opinion is that it is better to come out than dance around the topic all the time. After all, how many of us ended up coming out after painfully agonizing over it only to realize – DUH, they already knew!

I have create a 10 step process for coming out with confidence that I will be unleashing in the upcoming weeks and months. Meanwhile….. I wish you all a happy National Coming Out Day and challenge YOU to find one new way to be more honest about who you are.

Maria Angeline over at Daily Dose of Queer has some exciting news that I wanted to pass along to you. Her long awaited book project called Queer Shorts is now available!

Here’s a little blurb about the book description from MergePress.com:

Love. Loss. Memory. Choice. Friendship. Identity. Gender. Sexuality.

In a new collection of literary shorts, eleven new and experienced writers serve up queer in eleven different ways. Their accounts explore the queer world nearly four decades after Stonewall through unique, deeply personal perspectives.

The writers’ diverse viewpoints take readers on a journey that spans four generations. Their stories explore, among other themes, the way that attraction can change identity and that new love can uncover the memory of a love lost. The pieces cover moments in time across the range of human experience, including the need to separate, wanderlust, and an extramarital affair.

Intense, often meditative, and embroiled in the power of recollection, this anthology explores many slices of queer culture through themes that will universally resonate with readers.

Queer Shorts features work from: Gayle Lloyd, Jeff Mann, William Reichard, Nairne Holtz, Ethereal, Alan Witchey, S.G. Reichen, Monica Dulberg, F.I. Goldhaber, Jen Burke and Sally Bellerose.

You can get 35% off the cover price of Queer Shorts throughout September when you enter the voucher code HUSH before checkout when placing an order at MergePress.com.

I am always excited to see women coming up with ideas, taking full hold of the reigns, and birthing something new. That’s what the creative process and really living your desires is all about. If you’re looking for a good read, head on over to MergePress and pick up a copy…

Hats off to Maria and the contributors!

Let’s face it, if you work for a corporation, there is always the dance around whether to come out or not. And, since it is basically legal to fire someone simply for being a lesbian, it is all the more important to make sure the company you decide to work for has policies and benefits that help you get the equal treatment you deserve. The HRC’s annual Corporate Equality Index was just released today and it rates top American businesses on how they are treating gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender employees, consumers and investors. You can learn about the index and read the 2006 Corporate Equality Index in its entirety by downloading it.

Some key points from their press release include:

In all of the policy and benefits areas that were measured, the report reveals double-digit increases in the number of companies adhering to the criteria. Among the companies surveyed in the new report, this year:

• 75 percent more companies than in 2005 prohibited discrimination against transgender employees in employment practices;
• 64 percent more companies than in 2005 implemented at least one wellness benefit for transgender employees;
• 35 percent more companies than in 2005 extended COBRA, vision, dental and dependent medical coverage to employees’ same-sex domestic partners; and
• 14 percent more companies than in 2005 engaged in philanthropic or marketing activities directed toward the GLBT community.

Almost all of the companies rated — 436, or 98 percent — include sexual orientation in their non-discrimination polices.

This indeed is good news for employees and consumers alike. As someone who has been in the corporate halls a decade or so too long, I know firsthand that what is in the policy and how things actually happen aren’t always aligned. BUT, if you have benefits and protections in writing it greatly reduces the chances that you might experience discrimination or difficulties because of your sexual orientation and it gives you a fallback to dispute any violations that might occur. Not to mention it is simply a relief to be able to cover your long term domestic partner for medical and other benefits (even if the IRS remains discriminatory and taxes you to death on the “value” of the benefit).

Here’s to sure progress forward in terms of equality and the ability to be your authentic self on the job. Happy reading….

Goodness knows it is hard enough to be a successful lesbian business owner or professional. Add to that being a lesbian Mom and you have more than the usual share of back to school angst. Being a kid is challenging enough, but when you have a “nontraditional” family you not only have to deal with the other kids not getting it, but sometimes teachers and administrators aren’t as supportive as they could be either.

The good news is Family Pride has just released their publication “Building Family Equality in Every Classroom” to help people just like you ensure your child’s success in the classroom.

To get your copy go to www.familypride.org or call (202) 331-5015.