Have you ever been told to just adopt a positive attitude?
Practice positive affirmations?
Shift your thinking to a new, more empowering belief?

If so, how did that work for you?

If you’re anything like me, you tried to think positive thoughts and adopt more productive beliefs but it was only through sheer force of will that you managed to wrestle with the practice for even a short while. Sooner or later your insides sounded the alarms and you finally thought (or maybe even yelled it out loud) – “This is such BS, I don’t feel young, thin, and rich one freaking bit!” (or whatever you were attempting to affirm). And so you went back to the cynicism and self-defeating patterns feeling just a little worse about yourself than you did when you started.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times this happened to me. There was a time in the past when if one more person told me I just needed to have a positive attitude about things that I could have laid them out flat. It’s not because I was unwilling to change nor was it because a positive attitude isn’t beneficial. It’s because the whole positive affirmation and create a new belief thing is only half the story. Throwing ice cream on top of poop doesn’t negate the fact that there is poop there and that if you eat your way through the ice cream…well, you know… you won’t be loving that next spoonful!

That is why when I am doing belief work and shifting thoughts and behaviors that are not serving me, I always apply the BS test to it. I ask my clients to do the same when I work with them. Because no matter how powerful a tool you use to transform your beliefs, if you can’t buy-in to the next step, more empowering belief on your path, you only set yourself up for failure. You can’t force an attitude change and you certainly can’t sustain it. No matter how much you tell yourself something different, if you are feeling in your bones that it is a bunch of crap, it isn’t going to work. 

What needs to happen to make a positive change stick are three things:

1) Identify what is really going on and the source of that belief. Do whatever healing work is necessary to address any pain or hurt associated with it so you can clear a path forward.

2) Articulate a new, more empowering belief that is the very next best step for you. Apply the BS test to make sure it feels authentic in your bones (it may feel like a stretch because it is new to you and you may have to “fake it till you make it”, but YOU shouldn’t feel like a fake.). In other words you’re not likely to make the leap from “I’m $50,000 in debt and bad with money to I’m a wildly abundant millionaire who is financially savvy” in one jump. It would set the BS alarms off far and wide and sabotage your ability to move forward at all. However you might be able to more effectively live into a new belief like “I am learning and actively becoming a good steward of my money.”

3) Start gathering evidence to support this new way of thinking and being. Start living it in the way you can right now. You only believe what you believe because it has been reinforced as true for you. If you don’t like what you’re experiencing, now is the time to create a new reality.

Positive affirmations can and do work as long as they are aligned with who you are and are capable of being.  With a willingness and even a small opening to something new you can begin to shed the beliefs that are holding you back without all the BS.

So often someone will come to me with a deep desire to create something new in their life, their business, or their career.  They can clearly articulate what is not working for them and they can also tell me what they really want to see happen for them.  Then after being swept up in a tide of possibility and excitement they utter the words, “Well, maybe it’s just not the right time right now.”  Then like a bird falling from the sky they just give up.   Can you relate to this feeling?

That’s why in today’s Q&A I want to talk about the question: What if it’s not the right time?  and How will I know when the time is right?

I could write pages on this but I’m a woman who likes to cut to the chase.  So, the short answer is – there is no “right” time. 

There is no mythical, all the stars are aligned, the sun is out & shining, you are blessed with unlimited time & money– RIGHT time.

There is only now.

I’m also a practical person so I realize you can’t do everything you’ve ever wanted to do or start every project you want to start right now.  If you did, then you would be mired in overwhelm and would’ve needed to attend the teleclass I did a few years back entitled “Are you trying to cram 10lbs of poop into a 5lb bag?”.  It’s impractical and sets you up for failure.  There is a reason time exists (even if  some believe it to only be an illusion)… that is to prevent us from having to do everything simultaneously.

So if there is no right time and there is only now and you can’t do it all right now, then how do you know whether to make the commitment to move forward on something or not?

If you really want something, you’re tired of settling for the same-old, and you simply want to come alive,  then you make a decision, make a commitment, and take that one baby step forward.  Not tomorrow, not next year, not “someday” but today.

You can wait for a better time or a right time.  People will say to me, well, maybe I’ll be ready to start coaching, to start changing what really needs changing in three  months or six months.  You know what happens?  Three months, six months, a year pass by and nothing has changed.  So, you see you’ll be older in <insert your favorite excuses in terms of time frame here> whether or not you decide to take action.  You’ll be waiting around forever for that elusive right time and then realize that you never did the things you most wanted to, you never lived the life you were meant to live, or you never had the impact you wanted to from your professional life. How sad is that?  I don’t know about you but not only is that a painful trail of regret personally, but it also leaves the world bereft of the gifts that only you can offer.

So, take some time and reflect on the changes you’ve been wanting to see … maybe some more free time, more adventure, more freedom, a new career, living more authentically, more success… whatever that is for you, and then ask yourself:

When am I going to make the decision to make this desire a reality?  If not now, then when?

If you need support from someone who can be your guide and help you create a plan that actually works, contact me anytime for a complimentary chat.

Learn why showing up is 80-90% of the battle when it comes to succeeding on your own terms.

Can you see and feel yourself having, doing, or being what you really want?  If  you can’t you are closing the door to the possibility of realizing it in your life.  If you do this you are likely to end up feeling stuck, hopeless, and frustrated because you may be putting forth all kinds of effort but wondering why you’re not seeing the results and evidence in your life that you want to be seeing.

After going through David Neagle’s Golden Touch training class recently, I started studying several books that I either hadn’t read before or had read but just let go in one ear and out the other (not too effective for results, right?).  Now all these books are written by men (primarily already dead, historic men) which is probably why I dismissed them in the first place. I find my most passionate inspiration (as a general rule) from women who inspire me.  I look to living role models that embody the qualities I want to amplify in myself.  So, it is with a great leap of faith that I’ve delved into these books.  Yet I came across a quote in the out of print book God Works Through Faith by Robert Russell that really hit home as a reminder of a concept I already knew, but perhaps wasn’t embracing as much as I needed to to get to my next level of growth and success.

We can never go beyond the realization of our mental equivalents. We shall never experience a good which is beyond our capacity to conceive and to receive.

I translate this as – if you can’t see something as a possibility for you and your life, no matter how much you desire it, it isn’t going to happen.  You may see these results as possible for others, but unless you can feel it as possible for you, it will be impossible for you to manifest that in your life.  And, if all this talk of spiritual things or God, Spirit, Buddha, Source (whatever language works for you) is not resonating for you, let me explain it in a different way.  In the movie Caddyshack, Bill Murray is telling Danny (the golf champion want-to-be) to “Be the ball Danny, Be the Ball”. Meaning you need to fully be one with what you want.  Connection, full immersion, focus, and 100% impenetrable belief.  Be your future, be the embodiment of what you most want to see happen, right now.

I chose this picture I took in Millennium Park while in Chicago for BlogHer ‘09 for this post because this big metal sculpture creates what appears to be an optical illusion.  Its twisted reflections of people and the skyline morph into a surreal view.  I took this picture underneath the structure where there was a crowd of people. As you look at it there appears to be hundreds of people at all angles and different directions. It clearly shows you an image of what is seemingly impossible, yet here it is right before your eyes, right?  So is it real and possible or not?  Well, you get to decide… and that is message of this post.  What you desire is yours to create.  But first you need to BE it and your “mental equivalents” which would be your mindset and beliefs need to be expansive enough to allow the possibility to become reality for you.

Recently I was working with a client on achieving goals. There were some things she really wanted to achieve, they were tied into her core values (not just “shoulds”), but she was struggling with taking action. So, we worked together to identify her secrets to success in the past and now she is well on her way. As I was thinking about her particular success secrets, I realized that these steps are really universal. Assuming you are working towards a goal you really want, these steps work every time.

1) Set yourself up for success
This is about working according to your rhythms and setting yourself up to succeed. So often we bite off so much more than we can chew, experience a setback, then give up (all while beating ourselves up). Setting yourself up for success looks like:

• Making an appointments with yourself so you have time set aside to take action
• Asking for and receiving support you need
• Breaking down the actions you need to take into bite-size chunks (you wouldn’t think of eating your 8oz steak in one bite without choking to death, so why do it with your goals?)
• Taking good self-care so you can be at your best

2) Define Your Tasks and Focus

One of the biggest barriers to having what you want is vagueness.  When something is vague it is overwhelming, scary, and unknown.  Getting clear on what each baby step task is is key to mapping out a do-able plan.  If your goal was to write a book and I said – get into action, write that book!  You’d gasp, feel overwhelmed, and give up after the initial surge of excitement.  If I told you to write for 15 minutes every day, you could probably do that.  It is clear, manageable, and measureable.  With clarity comes the ability to focus.  In my example, you could focus like crazy for 15 minutes to write. No phones, voicemail, pagers, email, twitter, etc.  If I told you to do it for 6 hours a day, well that would be less likely.

While initially you might think you’re not working “enough” to achieve your goals, trust me, small steps strung together are what gets it done.

You might say – this all sounds so constricting!  What about the creative process? I need to be free to create and wing-it and explore.  Yes you do… yet I say you need to follow this maxim:

Allow yourself to be in the creative process, think outside the box, have creative solutions… within the context of #2 above

The stories of creative genius run amok are many.  We can all name creative genius who die too young or have totally messed up lives.  The end-game is to be creative AND live a fulfilling life.  So, to tap into the power of creative, yet contained chaos, designate a period of time or set of parameters in which you’ll get fully creative. No holds barred.  Then, when that period of time or activity is complete, come back to being grounded. Descend from the ethers of creation and ground down into the earth. The here and now.

With these few tips, you can let your creative best shine while also achieving goals you set consistently, quickly, and effortlessly.

Spring is in full force and there are so many reminders about new life all around: trees starting to bloom, spring flowers opening wide to the sunshine, birds nesting, and days growing longer. Yet all the beauty we see now didn’t just happen overnight. The birds were busy building their nests weeks ago. Bulbs were planted months or years ago. Beyond the natural world, the recent burst of buzz around Susan Boyle was also a great reminder of the seeds we plant and cultivate throughout our lives. After all she didn’t become a fabulous singer overnight. She spent decades cultivating her craft (planting and nurturing seeds). Tori Johnson at Women for Hire had an excellent post on “What Scotland’s Susan Boyle Means for You and Me” recently. (If for some reason you haven’t seen the Susan Boyle video you can see it here)

We live in a time where we all want something instantly. I know I can often be tremendously impatient.  Yet that is not how things work.  The get rich quick schemes and instant success mantras that float all over the web are just a hook.  I’m not saying you can’t succeed in short order nor does it have to be a struggle.  However, it is part of nature’s rhythm to plant, nurture, grow, bloom, harvest, and rest.  You see it all around us in the seasons, the flowers, animals, and even our own human rhythms.  The same holds true in business as well…expansion and contraction.  Cycles are inevitable and of course right now we’re experiencing an extreme example of that with the economy.  But if you can ride the rhythm of nature you can succeed and feel fulfilled no matter what the season.

So what seeds are you ready to start planting this season?

What seeds have you already planted that are now getting ready to blossom?

What do you most need to do each day to nurture this natural cycle and reap the rewards?

I recently received a question on LinkedIn from one of my connections who is a trainer and job search specialist. She was looking for stories about how keeping a positive attitude is crucial to success in one’s job hunt during these times. In my reply, while I acknowledged that a positive attitude is important, it’ll only get you so far. There is something far more important to succeeding whether it is the job hunt or building your business.

That something is your beliefs. Beliefs run deeper than attitude and consciously or unconsciously (often the case) have more to do with our success or lack thereof than anything else. When your beliefs are not aligned with what you say you want, your feelings take a hit (no matter how much positive attitude I will put on a happy face you do), your vibrational energy lowers, and instead of attracting what you say you want, you get mud.

I’m not trying to give positive attitude a bad rap. It is an important part of your success, just not the savior so many make it up to be. As Millionaire Mommy Next Door says, your attitude is your choice so make it a positive one.

In “Being positive…” Trish shares what we’ve all experienced at one time or another:

OK, so I am on a mission to change my outlook…it can be hard, it is hard, but I will do it!

I remember there was a time when I was very positive, always smiling and not too much got me down, I want that person back and I will get her back, I know it.

It is amazing that when you feel good, have confidence and a positive outlook, things do go well, or perhaps it is just that they at least appear that way as your attitude reflects it no matter what life is throwing at you.

It is true that with a positive attitude things seem to go better and we tend to feel better which increases not only our enjoyment but also our ability to attract success.

I don’t know about you but sometimes putting on a positive attitude, especially when it doesn’t match up with how I’m feeling feels more like a bunch of BS than a success strategy. I have known women who with their always upbeat, positive, “Can Do” attitudes simply smile through their pain as they go through yet another unfortunate circumstance.

The most successful people I have experienced know how to (or ask a coach to help them) dig beneath the surface and uncover the underlying beliefs that keep them stuck. The beliefs you have are like the operating system on your computer – it is always running the show whether you acknowledge it or not. The key to success is making these beliefs conscious, feeling the feelings that accompany them, and then transforming those beliefs layer by layer until your beliefs align with what you most want to create (new job, successful business, perfect mate, etc.). When they align it is like that perfect ahhh you feel when you put that all important piece into a puzzle and make a picture or align all those darn colors on a Rubik’s cube. Tension melts away and energy is available and aligned for what you DO want.

In “What Does Managing Your Spiritual Energy Have to do with Your Success in Business?” Sharon Wilson gives a nice explanation on the power of beliefs. Her conclusion sums it up nicely:

On the other hand, when you do make that inner shift, it suddenly becomes easier for you to take actions that may have been uncomfortable for you before.

If you identify some of these patterns, and then learn a process to better manage your energy around them, you now have congruency.

You now have a situation where you can make into reality the vision you long to create, because you are congruent in your thoughts, feelings, words and actions.

So while a positive attitude is a great building block, if you really want the success you desire, look a little deeper to shift your beliefs and create a more powerful platform on which to stand.

Photo Credit: Flickr

Anyone who knows me knows I am a crazy University of Tennessee Lady Vols Basketball fan since I was a kid.  This morning I awoke to the exciting news online that Pat Summitt won her 1,000th game and sits alone at the top as the winningest coach in the sport, men or women.   In the post-game video she exhibited once again the sheer level of class and excellence she brings to what she does.

This woman demonstrates what it means to be comfortable in your own skin and sustain success.  In her speech to the crowd last night she talked about the importance of having a vision and talking about that vision.  What inspires me most is knowing that back in 1975 when she won her first game and it wasn’t popular to be a champion of womens’ athletics she had a similar strength of vision.  Over the decades she has committed to doing the work it takes to develop herself, her players, and all the people around her into better human beings first as well as excellent basketball players and coaches.  How many schools can boast a record of 100% graduation rate of its players who complete their eligibility?  A holisitic approach to excellence that shines on in those she has touched on and off the court.

So whether you love womens’ basketball or not and even if you don’t like Tennessee (as my friends who razz me when I’m decked out in my orange), take a moment and listen to the lessons driven home in her speech:

• You succeed because of the people you surround yourself with (so surround yourself with high quality people).
• Be grateful and show it.
• Express how you feel to those who have impacted you (she thanked family, fans, players, coaches, and so forth).
• Bask in your vision and tell everyone about it.
• Work hard, consistently. Be committed to doing the work to make your vision a reality.
• See the bigger picture and set a strong foundation.
• Savor the moment.
• Never compromise who you are. Show up fully and passionately and do it with high degree of integrity and class.

That’s what I’ve seen and heard not only in this momentous video but from watching interview after interview over the years. From the first time I heard her speak in the early 80’s in the dark basement of my parent’s home when the networks broadcast only a few games a year to today when you can catch games live on the Internet and bask in your favorite team’s stories.

So, what is your vision?  Are you spreading the news?

It’s that time year again where with hearts full of inspiration and hope millions of people sit down and make a list of New Year’s Resolutions. We fire up the engines and charge head first into a fresh start, a clean slate, a New Year, and it will be different this time gosh darnnit! However, as usual there is a big ole deja vu sitting just around the bend waiting for us to slip up, fail, and give up once again. Then we try it all over again next year.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Does that mean each New Year’s we revisit our own little brush with insanity? I mean how many of you have started the next New Year with the same list? The pattern goes like this:

1. Make list of resolutions with hope in heart and feelings of wild and reckless abandon filled success
2. Work really hard for a few days or a few weeks knowing “this year will be different!”
3. Slip up on our plans, miss commitments to ourselves
4. Feel badly about #3 but find you can’t really get back on track
5. Give up, feel bad, revert to old ways for another year
6. Repeat

Let’s face it, this pattern doesn’t just happen to people who are low achievers or folks who are struggling.  This pattern is played out by millions of people just like you and me including some of the most successful folks out there.  So why do we fail?  Worse yet, why do we subject ourselves to the same dance over and over which is like a kind of torture?

Whether you want to get healthier, amp up your finances, change careers, or any goal you really want to realize in 2009, consider some of these tips from experts as to why resolutions fail and how you can turn that around into success for you this time around.

First, know that if you’ve let your New Year’s resolutions fizzle out in the past you have preconditioned yourself to do it again.  You have set an unconscious expectation for failure as explained in “Reaching Your Goals Why New year’s Resolutions Fall by the Wayside”:

If you’ve let New Year’s resolutions fall by the wayside in the past, you have already established a storage bin – and a direct neurological pathway to it – for future resolutions to follow. If you set New Year’s resolutions this year, they are even more likely to follow the already established path to the same place your old resolutions ended up; and they’ll probably get there even quicker this time because the pathway is already well-worn. Many people address this problem by lowering their standards and expectations for themselves – setting smaller and smaller resolutions in hopes that they may be up to a lesser challenge. That may have worked initially; but each unmet resolution simply adds to the energy drain – and to the pile of excuses we can use to not take the necessary action needed to meet our goals. Each time we do this, we become more and more accustomed to, and conditioned for, failure; and forgetting our promises to ourselves becomes easier and easier to do. We become experts at self-betrayal and self-sabotage.

The good news is that you can get your mind and life out of these ruts created from past broken promises.  Two year’s ago I wrote a timeless piece “Why New Years Resolutions Don’t Work and What You Can Do About It”.  I narrowed it down to three reasons: Wrong Goal, Right Goal but Lack of Support, and Doing and Thinking the Same Things and Expecting Different Results.  There is a bigger inner shift that has to happen before you can see what you want to see in your external circumstances.  This is the missing piece most people either consciously or unconsciously choose to avoid:

The #1 thing you can do to be successful with goals in the new year is to change your mindset and your relationship with yourself.  I’m talking about an honest, truthful shift in how you view yourself and what choices you make.

One way to start shifting mindset is to scrap goals altogether. Instead of resolutions, consider creating a theme or mantra for the next year and choose to live that.  The Spiritual Eclectic shared this better than a New Year’s Resolution idea:

I asked them to consider a verb for the next year and a simple phrase or mantra.  These are, in effect, my themes for the next year, and usually go hand in hand. I have to pick the exact words, and that sometimes means digging out the thesaurus to make sure each word has exactly the connotation I’m looking for.   My themes for the past few years and for the coming year?

2006:  Manifest and Risk Everything

2007:  Enjoy and Allow Miracles

2008:  Thrive and  Celebrate Everything

2009:  Enchant and Be Delighted

Now there is a theme, a quality of being that you can actually live out that isn’t tied to success or failure on a task by task basis.  And with the theme in place you can then focus on goals that align with the theme.

Ariane de Bonvoisin has a great list of “Ways to Succeed at New Year’s Resolutions”.  She too recommends the overall theme for the year approach as well as choosing a mantra word for the year.  Another great point she makes is about being willing to give yourself a clean slate when you need to.  A goal is not a “make or break” thing on any given day.  Unless you happen to be a professional athlete and your goal is a gold medal or winning a championship, one day does not make success or failure. So when you slip up, fall short, or find yourself headed in the wrong direction – reorient and give yourself a fresh start at any time:

9. Commit to always using the Change GPS.
A GPS navigation system in your car only cares about two questions. Where are you now, and where do you want to go? At any moment, any day, ask yourself these two questions: Where am I now? Where do I want to go? Resolutions and goals are daily commitments, not something you make once at the beginning of the year. Every day is another chance to get closer. Remember, a GPS doesn’t beat you up for mistakes you did yesterday. It gives you a clean slate every time.

Remember – be good to yourself and get the support you need to truly make the changes you desire because 1) You’re Worth It and 2) If Not Now, When?

Photo Credit: Eric Kolstad

I wanted to let all of you know that I’m going to be making some major changes to this blog in the coming weeks. All the good content you’ve come to expect from me will still be forthcoming…just in a different way.

This blog will move beneath my regular life coaching for women website at www.thepaulagcompany.com. Within the site there will be a specialty area for the coaching I do with lesbians. This site will be retired for now. As I move into the next phase of my business it is all about cleaning out, removing clutter, consolidating, and focusing my efforts so I can serve everyone better. Win-win for all.

Stay tuned as I will post a link once the blog has been moved so you can re-bookmark as you desire. The RSS feed should automatically redirect to the new site once the migration is completed.