Hard to believe another season of The L Word has come and gone. I can still remember the Season 1 Finale when friends and I made these crazy season ending game boards where we created a chart look alike with possible plot lines. We even had a game piece spinner type thing my partner made with all the characters glued on it — we were spinning it and wondering who might die in the finale (too many soap operas as a child I guess). Anyway it was fun times, and this year while much quieter viewing for us at home, was no less exciting. Having ensured our Easter guests would have an early exodus, we were poised and ready. Perhaps the only thing sadder than this finale will be next year’s series finale where any cliff hangers will literally leave you hanging for good.

We knew Jodi’s artist in residence piece was coming, but who knew it would be so bad in so many ways? She’s an amazing sculptor, so why in goodness name did she do a massive digital video piece? It was clearly more of a vindictive display than anything else, at least from the small snippet we saw on the show. Not to mention, last I looked when I was in photography school, any public displays of someone’s likeness requires a written model release. My guess is there certainly wasn’t one here! While the piece certainly had an impact, I was disappointed. Jodi is such a better artist and bigger person than that. While she is a fiery and angry woman who is willing to break all the rules in the name of artistic expression, I thought she could have done something a bit more inspiring to express her deep anguish and anger at the end of this relationship and Bette’s infidelity.

That being said, the coaching moment for me came after the unveiling. In the tender scene by the pool where Tina consoles Bette, she advises her to just let it go. That is fine advice because that is all Bette can do (unless of course she wants to sue Jodi for the piece which quite frankly will bring her no more resolution or peace). The lesson here is that people always act in their own interest and from their own perspective. Another person’s reaction to or towards us usually has very little to do with us. It has to do with them. While it often gives us insight into something we can learn personally; it is their stuff. In this case, the “core values” art piece is just that – Jodi’s expression of her emotional “stuff”. I’m not saying that this guiding principle of people acting in their own interest abdicates us of personal responsibility and responding to what life brings our way. What I am saying is that beating ourselves up and carrying the pain of someone else’s actions around in our life doesn’t serve us very well. Letting go and forgiveness is the only way through to a place of resolution and peace. That doesn’t mean you condone someone else’s behavior, it just means you heal, let go, and move on. No matter how much we all love Jodi, as far as Bette is concerned, forgiveness, letting go, and moving forward with Tina is the only way.

There were a few other great coaching moments in this finale. In fact it was ripe with them. I want to talk about two others that I believe will have a big impact in Season 6.

At the wrap party, Alice and Shane have a little sit down chat. Clearly Alice has the desire to stray from Tasha after meeting Clea. Once again, Shane gives some of the wisest advice around. She has a habit of being able to take situations, see through it all and right to the person in front of her. Throughout all 5 seasons she has given some of the best one on one observations of anyone. It’s too bad she can’t help herself, but more on that in a minute. Alice talks about how she should work it out with Tasha and that people need to work on relationships rather than give up at the first sign of friction. Shane agrees but notices that Alice has been working at it with Tasha since day one and perhaps now she’s realized she wants something more. Shane says “You have a right to be happy”. In this brief conversation, Shane hits on a number of important points – the importance of working on relationships, knowing when it is time to let go, realizing that someone else’s trials have nothing to do with you (as in Tasha’s military trial), and that you deserve to be happy (and you can’t do that when you are “should-ing” on yourself).

What a wise series of insights from Shane. I could coach on each of these for some time. Part of it goes back to what I shared about Bette — someone else’s emotional baggage is someone else’s stuff When we are so caught up in what we “should” do rather than what we really want or need to do, we live a half-lived life according to someone else’s rules (whoever’s voice we hear in our head along with the “should” – our parents, societies, friends, the media, etc.). That is not a recipe for living authentically or for happiness. Shane said “It is your human right to be happy.” In a funny way I must say I couldn’t agree with her more. Integrity first and once you have that handled happiness often flows.

Therein lays the million dollar problem with Shane. She is amazing with others and a total insecure, feeling “not good enough” woman somewhere deep inside when it comes to her own life. Why else would she self-sabotage at every turn? When Phyllis says “you are not worthy of my daughter” Shane could have either shrugged it off (I mean really, there are how many parents out there that feel that way?) and used it to deepen her relationship with Molly or she could have done what she did – internalize it, use it to make herself feel “right” about her negative feelings about herself, and make a mess of several relationships that really matter to her. As if being a total jerk to another woman she loves isn’t enough, she engages in the ultimate act of betrayal at the end of the show. Shane and Jenny have been closest friends and confidantes since the beginning. They have each understood each other in all their strangeness and challenging circumstances. They have met as equals and without judgment no matter what. Shane tosses it all away with yet another bad move as Jenny discovers her making out with Nikki. Now of all the women in West Hollywood that Shane could (and probably already has) slept with – she chooses Jenny’s love at the very wrap party Jenny has made an appearance and moving speech at in what are some of the most difficult circumstances one would have to face. The pattern continues – of Shane self-sabotaging and hurting those she loves most because she is unwilling to deal with her own feelings. All I can say is — Ilene Chaiken when you’re wrapping up everyone’s story lines next year, please, please, please DO something with Shane so she finally realizes the glimpses of the character development we’ve seen over time? If you need a life coach for women to handle her, dial me up!

So there you have it — hard to believe it has been 5 seasons already and even harder to believe that #6 will be our last. But until the final curtain falls, I’ll be here watching and sharing the coach’s perspective on it all for you.

You can tell we’re bumping up against the season finale when everything starts happening at once on The L Word. An on the edge of your seat trip, episode 11 “Lunar Cycle” was one not to be missed. By now, most people have learned the good and bad news. The L Word will be back for a sixth season next year (8 episodes), but it will be the final season. It is extremely sad as we’ve come to love this family of women, yet in a way I have to applaud the team that they are choosing to bring closure to the series while it is still at its peak. There’s nothing worse than a series that is wonderful and then slowly declines into mediocre before taking a half-hearted bow.

This week we see firsthand the fallout between Jodi and Bette. Quite an amazing set of scenes that really make evident Jodi’s heartbreak and desire to fight for her relationship and Bette’s change of heart. It is clear Bette feels love for Jodi but is no longer in love with her.The spark, passion, and intensity is uniquely Jodi and while it certainly brings closure to the relationship, it is sad nonetheless.

To me this whole episode was about the subtle and not so subtle ways we engage in self-sabotage. First off, the return of the past with Denbo busting in to proclaim that Ivan sold her 51% of The Planet. Now I realize a general partnership is about the worst kind of business structure you could use, but doesn’t Kit have to be involved in some way in this transaction? Doesn’t Ivan at least have a fiduciary duty to inform her business partner of the sale? I am no lawyer, but something seems fishy all around with this situation. This scene illustrates self-sabotage #1 which I would assert is Kit’s perceived lack of due diligence when she got into the arrangement to buy The Planet with Ivan. We all know how insecure and desperate Kit is (her vulnerability always speaking loudly in the face of her ongoing battle with addiction) and I believe that came into play in the initial transaction and certainly shows up later in this episode. Before I get to that, however, let’s talk about Jenny.

Jenny has a history of behavior and choices that play right into self-sabotage. We’ve seen her deeply troubled in the past and even though she has come a long way, those innate feelings of insecurity and unworthiness are still there, just beneath her pimped up new Hollywood persona. The guilty seek punishment and you just knew something bad was going to happen when Jenny and Nikki videotaped themselves in the tent having sex. Nothing good ever comes of this sort of thing, and certainly not when you have a super creepy assistant like Adele who has since day 1 been out for her own agenda. Max called it from the start which is what prompted Jenny’s “Max the Oracle” comment in this episode. So in one quick act of supposed fun, Jenny sabotaged her own dream – the film of Lez Girls which she had worked so hard to create.

In the self-sabotage waiting to happen category is Alice. While Alice is naturally flirty, her little connection with the designer featured on “The Look” was just a little too much foreshadowing for me. The question that hangs unspoken in the air is – so Tasha gives up her military career for Alice; will Alice remain true or screw this relationship up too? It makes me wonder if Dana hadn’t died how long it would’ve taken for Alice to stray even from her best friend and soul mate.

If that wasn’t enough self-sabotage going on, we come back to Kit. She is a woman scorned who happens to be a new owner of a firearm. She grabs her gun and heads off to She Bar to even the score once and for all. I find it interesting that they so prominently featured the car Ivan restored for Kit in this scene. A little subtle irony. Kit is just seconds from making the biggest mistake of her life when her cell phone rings (with the cutest ring tone ever). Talk about saved by the bell. There is such a thing as divine timing and Kit turns to leave to pick up Angie but not before Cindy and her lock eyes. Her comedy of errors doesn’t end there though. While all of us watching were exhaling a sigh of relief, little did we know how the show would end. There’s Angie playing with Kit’s gun. You could feel a collective heart in the throat gasp across the land when that happened. Now that would be a storyline. Instead, Kit gently gets Angie to “share” the gun with her. But here’s the catch, in yet another act of self-sabotage, Kit throws the gun into the dumpster. Hello!??!? The gun is registered in Kit’s name and now any roving psychopath can take it from the dumpster, use it in a crime, and the gun gets traced back to Kit. I can only imagine how this little detail will pan out.

We all know our core group of ladies on The L Word are good people. Yet this episode clearly illustrates how seemingly innocent choices lead down a path of self-destruction in big and small ways. All these choices stem from the common truth – we all have parts of ourselves that we don’t like or try to suppress and when we do that, we make choices and engage in behaviors that sabotage our best efforts. The key to overcoming these patterns of self-sabotage is to give attention to these parts of ourselves that we don’t like and express and experience these feelings in a healthy way. By learning how to be ok with who we are – warts and all – we become comfortable in our own skin and our propensity to get in our own way and sabotage ourselves no longer yields the upper hand.

What more could a girl want — an episode of The L Word and a bike charity ride rolled into one. I’d just like to know when these gals actually trained and how anyone could be the least bit energetic or romantic by the time they got to the campfire. I’ve spent that many hours in the saddle and I for one just crave a warm bed and sleep after all that (not to mention, saddle sores, not romantic). It was very cool to see everyone together and even more powerful to have everyone remembering Dana and others who have fought breast cancer. You could feel the power of the moment even for the new characters who didn’t know Dana personally.

The contrasts in this episode were palatable. The lightness and fun of doing the ride, being together, and camping with the seriousness of the cause for which they were riding. The playfulness of smores by the campfire and schoolgirl games with the bomb dropping that ensued. The perspective that rang truest for me this week though was that we can never really know what is going on in someone else’s life. We can never truly know another person.

So often we get caught up in right and wrong. We judge ourselves and others and often we justify it as “helping” or “caring”. We get on our soapbox and profess our righteous opinions. Yet, in fact we never really know. Take the simple question of “What constitutes cheating (in a relationship)?” Most of us would brush that off and say, that’s easy, of course it means _____ (whatever our definition is). Yet as the ladies showed, that easy definition of cheating is different for each person. Tasha believed that even thinking about it and talking about it would be considered cheating because that is a level of intimacy that you are not sharing with your partner. While our Casanova Shane went so far as to say that even sleeping with someone else might not be cheating if it is only once and you go back to your partner. Now, that is a big range of what is and is not considered cheating, right? While my personal values lie in Tasha’s camp, that doesn’t make anyone else’s interpretation wrong. Where it becomes an issue is in an actual relationship. Are you and your partner clear about each other’s beliefs and what constitutes fidelity? This little scene drives home the point – don’t assume. And it goes back to the values
conversation I talked about last week. What are your values? What are your partner’s values? How do they align? Where they don’t align is there a common ground and agreement between the two of you as to what is acceptable? Communicate, communicate, and communicate – early and often. That’s why I thought it was so cool that amidst all this drama unfolding we were treated to a tender scene of Alice and Tasha talking about what they really want from their lives and a relationship. These are the kinds of conversations that need to happen in a relationship for it to thrive.

We never really know what is going on in someone else’s life. What are their pains? Inner struggles? History? External appearances can be deceiving as we’ve seen in the past few weeks of this show. Bette and Tina appear confident, powerful, and in fully in charge of their lives yet are truly struggling on the inside. They yearn for what they believe is meant for them (each other) while living with the pain of what it is like to be acting out of integrity with their values. From what we know of the characters, neither one of them believes it is acceptable to cheat in a relationship (having experienced that pain firsthand in their own) yet that is exactly what they are doing and Jodi is the unsuspecting victim. Jodi knows something is off with Bette and she keeps inquiring but gets shut down. She may be a fiery and strong personality, but I believe she is very vulnerable inside. She said as much at the end of last season when she said to Bette “Just don’t break my heart.” Well after this week’s episode we can see where that gets blown to bits.

When we feel that we are out of integrity that is the time to stop, take stock, and adjust our behavior. Both Tina and Bette have acknowledged their uncomfortable feelings with what they have been doing but neither has done a thing to come clean or adjust their behavior to get back into integrity (like not being together until after Bette broke up with Jodi). While difficult conversations are, well, damn difficult, they beat the alternative – ignoring the issue until it blows up in your face. I can only imagine Jodi’s humiliation within the group she has befriended as she realizes that Bette has been unfaithful and that it appears everyone knew about it but her (which isn’t true, but you tell me what you’d think).

Of course you and I both know if everyone were practicing open and honest communication and taking steps to make sure they stayed in integrity it would make for a pretty boring show. A little like watching the grass grow on TV in primetime. So like everyone else I love these twists and turns and the exquisitely painful emotions that spring forth. Yet it is always good to look a little deeper and just inquire – what’s the lesson here? After all art imitates life and if we can use the challenges and inquiries art puts before us to inform and improve our lives, that’s where the real power lies.

I don’t know if it is just me but I find the emotion heating up more and more as the season progresses. More passion (in the bedroom and elsewhere) and more twists that just leave me with the knowing that it just ain’t going to be pretty if/when Bette finally comes clean with Jodi. Jodi is a powerful and emotional woman and Marlee Matlin is one of the few actresses around that can match the passion needed to play this character.

Before I jump into the meat of my comments, I just have to say who doesn’t want a little of what Bette displayed as she negotiated the lunatics from She Bar into a somewhat reasonable compromise? Her inner power, savvy, and direct communication in a highly charged situation was just poetry in motion. I won’t even get into my coaches perspective on Denbo and company because I would send them directly to therapy. Their characters are just an exaggerated display of what a mess people can make of their lives and the lives of others when they are so uncomfortable with who they are on the inside that they create such a facade of power. All that money and perceived power is a big ole fat illusion and I feel sorry for them living lives so superficial they feel the need to wreck havoc on others. But hey if nothing else it was a great scene in which to watch Bette’s business savvy shine!

Life’s lessons can show up anytime, anywhere and in this episode they were most loud and clear in a sweltering and stuck elevator. As soon as I could get my mind out of Cagney and Lacey flashbacks where they were stuck in a hot elevator and bearing their souls, I was totally sucked into the level of honesty Tina and Bette managed to find quickly. They ventured into a conversation on values and this coach loves talking about values. Why is that?

Our values really hold the key to creating a life that we love. Values are those things that are core to who we are and can serve as a guidepost to living a life truly by our own design. They point to what matters most to us and they are unique to each individual. For instance, most people would agree that truth is a worthy value; yet only certain people have truth as a core value around which their whole life is oriented. When you can identify your top 3-4 core values and then orient your life around them, that is when you move from just living to living a life feeling fulfilled .

In the scene, Bette got the ball rolling when she said that she doesn’t believe Jodi and her share the same values. At the heart of a relationship that really works is a common set of shared values. Now, each partner may express those values differently and have very different styles and personalities but at the core is a foundation and shared belief system. When the foundation is strong, then the individuals within a relationship can thrive both individually and as a couple.

My favorite quote was when Bette said “For me, when I really search myself, it doesn’t feel like an affair. For me,..it’s feels like I’m coming home.” Now of course I love it for its obvious dramatic and romantic undertones, but there is more. While I am firm in my belief that no relationship can ever complete you — you are whole and complete as you are — in the right relationship there is a sense of coming home. That is what has always been at work with Bette and Tina even at their nastiest. What is different now is that Tina has emerged as a full individual with her own personal power and can stand up to Bette. And on the flip side, Bette has softened (at least a tiny bit) and is more willing to co-create a relationship rather than be the sole creator and alpha dog. That makes all the difference if you want to create a relationship of equals. Each partner has to do her own personal work so that when you arrive in that third space (the two as “couple”) you are on equal footing as two whole and complete adults.

It can be as simple as — align with your values and you create a great life; live misaligned (or even unaware of) with your values and you will always feel like something is just “off”. The good news is that values are evergreen and it doesn’t mean you have to have or do something specific with your life in order to be happy. Now that is some creative freedom!

As with the rest of the planet (no pun intended..get it…the planet and “The Planet” LOL), I will be waiting with baited breath to see how this unfolds in the next few weeks. In the meanwhile… ask yourself “Do I know what my core values are? Am I living my life aligned with them or am I floundering around feeling something is “off” or “missing”?” Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments and if you’d like to explore the values conversation further, contact me to set up a complimentary chat.

At least one major storyline got wrapped up (at least partially) this week with an unexpected twist and turn. While the rest of the ladies were creating tangled relationship plotlines, Tasha and Alice were having some big life defining moments.

Tasha’s trial for conduct unbecoming a soldier started in full force. Everyone dressed to the nines in full military dress uniforms and prosecuting counsel Colonel Davis (played by Kelly McGillis) is loaded for bear. With Alice being called as the prosecutions’ main witness, you just had to know things were going to get intense and a bit out of the tight control of those in command.

First I have to say I just about spit out my tea as I listened closely to the language used as trial was brought into session, specifically “court is not bound by the rules of formal evidence”. Gotta love that. In the military we make our own rules and then make up how we conduct the justice process as well. So much for due process. As the Church Lady on Saturday Night Live used to say “Now, isn’t that CONVENIENT?” All I know is that with each passing episode’s glance behind the military veil I get just that much more compassion for our LGBT brothers and sisters who have served or are serving our country. It is like the additional “something extra” burden all gays and lesbians face in the workplace and society plus a little something more because of the inherent design and infrastructure of the highly hierarchical (and hypocritical) armed services.

From day one we knew something was “off” with Col. Davis. People who are fully comfortable with themselves are just not that uptight and righteous. In this episode we catch her stealing glances at the ladies in the gym and locker room. Straight women just don’t look and linger like that when checking out another woman. And, true to form, Alice catches Davis’ subtle glances. Remember this is the same Alice who taught Dana about gaydar in Season 1.

To cut to the chase, Alice calls Davis on her sexuality while on the stand. Totally blows the place out of the water as she speaks her truth and wonders aloud how you can condemn someone, a decorated and dedicated soldier, for simply having lesbian friends. All hell breaks loose as Davis calls a recess to have her witness “compose herself” and then bargains with Alice. Threatened by her own vulnerability Davis tells Alice to inform Tasha that if she sticks with her “I’ve been setup” story the charges will be dropped. How’s that for an about face? I have to say I was personally surprised by the turn of events. I mean I knew Alice couldn’t sit there and lie, but my what a powerful display of how fear can turn an alpha dog (Davis) into a quick about face.

What happened next is what I have to believe is one of the most poignant messages the show has ever driven home. Tasha gets on the stand and tells her story but then has her moment of truth. I must say as I watch this scene multiple times it never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Tasha tells the truth about what is expected in the military:

One of the things that is asked of us when we go to the front lines is to be separated from those we love; we ask that of them too. So we can fight for their freedom not knowing if we’ll ever come home. And when we do come home we feel blessed. It feels so wrong now to have my personal freedom denied to me within my own country. It seems wrong to see the person that I love be interrogated like a criminal when she did nothing wrong.

Needless to say, Tasha outs herself right on the stand in perhaps the most powerful moment on television this year. She immediately finds Alice as she is leaving the base and is full of smiles. Alice asks her “What happened in there? Did you win?” And Tasha replies “I won” and then tells Alice that she told all of them that she loves her.

“I won” I think that is the clearest way to describe what happens when you own and speak your truth. Whether it is about your sexuality or about how you wish to live your life through career choices, relationships, etc. When you respect and honor yourself for who you really are and live in alignment with that – you win, everyone around you wins, and the world at large benefits. And I stand firm in that despite Col. Davis’ little addendum about how personal freedom is honorable, but personal sacrifice is the nobler cause. While I believe in giving freely and joyfully making sacrifices for a grander plan, I don’t believe sacrificing who you are is ever a nobler cause. If you are willing to toss out the essence of who you are as some silly collateral damage, we all lose – we all are robbed of the benefits of seeing you share your unique gifts with the world.

Whether you shout it to the mountaintops or simply speak softly within yourself, getting clear on who you are, embracing that, and living in integrity (aligned with that) is what it is all about.

The most powerful moment on TV was followed up by a most beautiful and captivating scene as Tasha embraces Alice and plants a big kiss on her right in the middle of the military base for all to see. I can’t help but know that the contrast of Alice’s red purse against her sexy black dress and Army green was not an afterthought. I bet it was a carefully laid plan by Ilene Chaiken and company to give the lesbian community our own military moment reminiscent of all the great Life Magazine photos. Sweet.

As we roll into the second half of the 5th Season of The L Word the plots and dramatic twists are being woven into a complex web that is bound to have a few surprises, I can just feel it. This week took us behind the scenes of Lez Girls and deep into the paradox of the military code of conduct as Tasha’s prosecutor arrived on the scene.

I never thought I’d say this, but this week I want to talk about Jenny who I’ve decided is showing up in her most authentic fashion (even if it is entirely over the top and bizarre in many ways). While I’ve never been a big Jenny fan, I have to say that of all the characters on the show she has consistently and unapologetically shown up as who she really is at all times. Even when that seems to change radically from day to day or year to year. She’s had more than her share of struggles and odd story lines, but through it all, at any given moment she is who she is, no questions asked.

Whether Jenny is pouting like a spoiled child, sleeping around with the cast like a schoolgirl, or making wild demands of her production company and friends, you gotta hand it to her – she does it 110%. Never for a moment do you doubt her full commitment to herself and what she wants. She is clear on her vision for her book made movie and refuses to waiver for the whims of the powers that be or the popular vote.

You may love her or hate her (I don’t honestly think there is much in between with her), but what can we learn from her? In Jenny I see someone willing to take a risk and do what she wants when she wants. Now, I can’t say she is doing a great job at building working rapport or lasting relationships, so I don’t necessarily recommend her approach if you’re looking for success on your own terms. What I do recommend, though, is looking at your own willingness to stand up for who you are and what you believe in? Are you willing to be YOU no matter what? Even in the face of conflict and other people’s harsh judgments? I mean, really, no character on The L Word has been as harshly judged and thrown through the ringer as Jenny. I am certain I wasn’t the only one hoping she’d get run over at the end of season 2 or drift off to sea never to be heard again at the end of season 4. Yet through it all, if there’s one thing we can count on — it is Jenny showing up in her full, authentic for her glory.

What do you think? Does Jenny consistently show us her true colors? Share your $.02 by posting in the comments.

Another week of drama for the ladies of The L Word this time as the bitter battle between SheBar and the clan heats up and Lez Girls starts shooting. For me the best part of this whole episode was seeing Bette and Tina together again. All I can say is that I concur with Bette. When it comes to chemistry “it can’t compare”. Like the rest of the world, I’ll be curious to see how this shakes down.

What struck me most about the episode and what I wanted to explore more are the topics of appearances masking what’s really going on and how acting in spiteful ways serves no one. With the exception of this whole sleeping around problem, Shane has a pretty rock solid character about her. If it weren’t for her clear challenges with leaving trails of heartbreak everywhere, I’d give her an award for integrity. She is always there for a friend in need and truly does take responsibility for her actions. (too bad she doesn’t learn and evolve after she takes responsibility for the messes she makes with women) She has a knack for seeing people for who they truly are and stands by them. This episode is no different. She owns up to her mistakes with the babes in charge of SheBar and makes a face to face visit to try and make amends. Shane begs forgiveness and asks that they keep their retaliation directed only at her and not at her friends who are innocent bystanders. Unfortunately Dawn Denbo and her Buff Barbie Babe (Cindi) don’t have an ounce of integrity between them.

What I find most interesting watching this grown up schoolgirl catfight is how obvious it is that our actions speak so loudly about who we are on the inside. What kind of person surrounds herself with all kinds of lavish things (VIP lounges, top champagne, sexy women, and loads of money) but can’t manage the most fundamental aspects of relationship to self and others? A very insecure, fearful person who lives from a mindset of lack. That’s what we have here in the women from SheBar who flaunt it, invite trouble, break the rules, and then take it out on others because they need to bolster their bruised ego and nonexistent sense of integrity. It reminds me of the bumper sticker I saw once that said “If we all followed the idea of an eye for an eye; the world would be blind”. So true.

In this case, however, no epiphany is going to descend upon the SheBar women as they are determined to take everyone down in the process to serve their own agenda. So much for the theory of abundance. Surely there are enough women in LA to support two venues, but they don’t see it that way. They have to reign supreme and destroy others in the process. I suppose that makes them feel better about themselves. In reality though there are no free lunches and what goes around really does come around. When we act out of integrity with what is right no one wins. Now I admit that each person defines her own sense of integrity based on how who she is aligns with how she shows up in the world. Yet, there are some fundamental ways of right action and certainly revenge and doing harm to others doesn’t cut it in the larger karmic perspective. Dawn and Cindi show off a good game – rich, beautiful, powerful, but my guess is that they are pretty hollow inside and not truly comfortable in their own skin or they wouldn’t need to put on such a show of appearances.

What I will be curious to see is how our core group of L Word ladies responds. Will they rise above the petty “it’s on” bullshit and take the high road of integrity? Or, will they sink to the level of the SheBar women and play dirty? I hope they step into their own power and find a respectable way to handle the challenge. Of course it IS a fictional drama after all, so I won’t hold my breath for totally pure intentions. Not only would that make for boring TV drama it would also be somewhat unrealistic because there is something so naturally human to feel the need to fight back when attacked and hurt; in the end it comes down to choices and character.

In this week’s episode things are heating up for the ladies of The L Word as we approach mid-season. Relationships are starting to crack and the hookups are coming fast and furious. As I expected from last week’s fall from integrity, this week finds Alice doing what every great Internet marketer wishes they could – go totally viral with her podcast and outing of the NBA star. Her end of show argument with Tasha is starting the ball rolling on what I call incompatible values in a relationship. If you and your partner aren’t congruent, it makes for a bumpy to impossible ride. More on that as things develop.

This week I want to address what was a very short piece of the show but one that I believe holds a most powerful lesson. Bette was on the phone talking to Tina about what she could possibly do about the Jodi situation at work. You see according to the powers that be at the school (and most certainly Bette) they believe Jodi took artistic freedom a bit too far when she let a student stand at the front on the room with a gun pointed to his head. Now whether you think it was ok or not ok for Jodi to allow this, the point is that she wants a meeting with the folks in charge and Bette wants to step in and do her control thing. Why Bette would call her ex for advice on this lord only knows and Tina’s look of disgust pretty much illustrates the absurdity of it. Yet Tina gets my coaching gold star award for her composure, compassion, and response:

“Let her speak for herself. Jodi is a very capable person. … I know you want to fix everything but you have to let her succeed or fail on her own. Otherwise it’ll be a disaster for both of you.”

Now there’s the best advice I’ve heard in a long time on this show. When we love someone we really want to step in and fix it to make it all better. In Bette’s case she has an extreme case of control freak and a need to fix everything that she doesn’t feel 100% comfortable with, but I believe most of us have it to at least some degree. We see helping as a way to show our love. Yet in reality, it is a more loving act on our part if we trust in the fact that those we love are capable just as they are. Whether you have a strong, fiery personality like Jodi and have proven your toughness in the hard knock school of life or whether you have a much shier, quiet way about you, you are whole and capable just as you are. Just breathe that in for a moment… you are whole and capable just as you are. It is so powerful and yet so very hard for us to really open and receive that sort of truth about ourselves. We prefer to make ourselves small so we and others will supposedly feel better. Unfortunately that doesn’t work. It simply shortchanges us all.

One thing I have learned on the road to being comfortable in my own skin is that it is often more challenging to simply hold the space for someone else to grow and show up in than it is to jump in and play Ms. Fix It. Yet if you want a deep and lasting personal relationship or even a satisfying professional relationship, you absolutely need to be able to stand in support of someone else while allowing them to actually handle their own challenges. It is the only way they will grow; the only way you will grow; the only way the highest good of all concerned will be served. In order to be able to do this for someone else you first need to be able to do it for yourself. That starts with learning how to trust in and fully show up for yourself. It is an ongoing journey and I help women do just that.

So, if you take one thing away from this week’s episode (other than the joy of rewinding the steamy love scenes ) it should be this:

You are capable just as you are. All the other people in your life are as well. Compassion and support yields many more dividends in the long run for all involved than running in and trying to “fix it” or “save someone”.

So start claiming your power right here, right now. You are powerful beyond measure.

This week was heavy on the bar and party scenes. When that happens you can almost guarantee that something dramatic is in store. In fact, I will go out on a limb and say that a lot of people fall out of personal integrity the minute they wander into such a scene. And, in this instance, our ladies of The L Word are no exception.

Last week I talked in depth about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and this week we see how emotionally charged the very process of creating a defense can be as Tasha and her counsel Beech have words. He comes around with the help of his wife and what I might imagine was a “do the right thing” type of conversation. After all, whether he approves of Tasha’s relationship or not is not the issue, whether he chooses to honor his obligation to defend her is. Both Tasha and Alice seem very relieved and grateful when he comes to visit them and discuss the case. Alice even says “Thank your wife for me. I believe that behind every man who does the right thing there is a woman that got him to that place.” Clearly she is pleased about his decision to be in integrity and do the right thing.

I suppose it takes only a few moments of glitz, glitter, and fancy champagne to lead Alice to a deteriorating level of personal integrity, however. With all the personal growth and character development we’ve seen of Alice this season I must say I am truly disappointed in her after this episode. I can’t wait to see how this unfolds, but I have to say I gasped audibly as Alice took out her cell phone camera at the exclusive Hollywood secret party and took a picture of a closeted athlete kissing another man. One can only guess (and the teasers for next week episode confirm) that she has plans on using it to out him.

I don’t know about you, but is Alice missing something here? Is she not knee deep in Tasha’s dilemma of being outed and forced to leave her decorated career in the military? Did a few glasses of booze erase all the emotions and personal pain she has been experiencing as Tasha’s girlfriend? While I totally “get” her passion for journalistic integrity I’m not sure I understand why she chooses to invade someone’s personal privacy in this way especially since the host explicitly requested her not to report on the events at the party.

I’m certainly not here to judge Alice’s behavior, but it does beg the question — are you in integrity? Do you even know? Are you aware of instances where you are out of integrity? And, what does that cost you?

While integrity is about doing the right thing according to your own set of personal values. For most of us that aligns with an overarching barometer of doing the right thing as a fellow human being. That whole “do unto others” philosophy isn’t a bad starting point when you start an inquiry into integrity.

So, what do you think of Alice’s actions? Is she in integrity based on what we know about the character? And, what would you do in the same situation? Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments….

This week’s episode was rich with great writing and situations that could foster a lot of discussion. I don’t know about you but so far I am finding this season the best yet in terms of the quality of the writing and really showing off the characters with much more depth without losing the viewing appeal.

Besides my general plea for Jenny to hire a real personal trainer before she pops a knee (did anyone see that awful form on her lunge in the gym?) this week I want to tackle the highly charged and complex situation Tasha and Alice find themselves in.

I want to preface this whole dialogue with the fact that I certainly don’t have the answers to this dilemma Tasha faces nor do I have any real answer for the many real life soldiers who struggle with the same inner conflict day in and day out. What I do have are some observations, questions, and a personal opinion. Yet I realize my personal opinion is just that — and truly how can anyone REALLY know unless they have walked a mile or more in someone else’s shoes.

The storyline got formally introduced in Episode 2. Tasha was supposed to ship off to Iraq but suddenly finds herself detained because she is under investigation for homosexual conduct. And thus begins what I expect will be a fairly long storyline involving the portrayal of one woman’s professional and personal experience with the military’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy and blatant (but legal) prejudice against gays and lesbians.

As we’ve already come to see, Tasha is a dyed in the wool military person. She is willing, ready, and able to serve her country with honor and is willing to potentially make the ultimate sacrifice in risking her life to fulfill her commitments with dignity. Her entire life has been spent cultivating her career with the military and she has not only served in active duty but received medals of Honor for her leadership on and off the battlefield. She is one of the military’s best and most honorable soldiers.

That’s how it is and how it would stay except for this little glitch in the whole system called Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. You see the military is based on trust, honesty, and integrity except if you happen to be gay or lesbian. In that case we’ll bring you up on charges simply for being seen in public with alleged lesbians, threaten everything you’ve built your career on, and oh for an added bonus we will assume you are guilty until proven innocent beyond a reasonable doubt. And that is the very situation Tasha finds herself in.

In a powerful scene with the homophobic man who is forced to become her military legal representation Tasha states the reality of her situation — her only way to beat the charges is to lie and deny who she is. I find it a disturbing yet clear declaration of the fact that if she wants to save her military career she must step out of integrity with herself (and I have to assume her personal belief system about being a lesbian) and lie. Doesn’t this fly in the face of one of the key cornerstones of what the military code of conduct is supposed to be about – Integrity?

Here’s a little snippet from the US Army website http://www.goarmy.com/life/living_the_army_values.jsp on values. It lists the following as the seven core army values:

Loyalty
Duty
Respect
Selfless Service
Honor
Integrity
Personal Courage

So let’s look at Integrity through the eyes of the US Army with this excerpt:

INTEGRITY

Do what’s right, legally and morally. Integrity is a quality you develop by adhering to moral principles. It requires that you do and say nothing that deceives others. As your integrity grows, so does the trust others place in you. The more choices you make based on integrity, the more this highly prized value will affect your relationships with family and friends, and, finally, the fundamental acceptance of yourself.

I suppose the rationale for putting valued soldiers like Tasha through this personal and professional hell comes from the loophole that some people still think being gay or lesbian is immoral. Obviously I’m not getting into that debate….but I find it pretty ironic when you place “the fundamental acceptance of yourself” up next to this scenario that is playing out for Tasha.

I have strong feelings about being true to yourself and for me I cannot understand how anyone who is gay or lesbian navigates the conundrum of being true to who they are personally while also being true to their career choice knowing that the institution they work for reviles and will swiftly ruin their careers in one swoop of charges of homosexual conduct if the mood so moves them. I personally couldn’t reconcile it. The cost in terms of lost energy and having to dance around my relationships and essentially live two lives would be too great. Even Alice who clearly loves Tasha says “I can live as a nonexistent girlfriend if that is what you need me to do”. That is pretty powerful. Yet I wonder, even if you could do that for a while, is that really a sustainable way to build a rich and lasting relationship? Pretending it is nonexistent?

My coach’s powerful questions to Tasha and others in her situation are:

– How comfortable in your own skin do you feel in your professional life? Your personal life? When you are looking yourself in the eye in a mirror?

– Can you live in full personal integrity with the obvious contrasts and constraints of being in the military and having a personal relationship? Are you willing to take those risks and live that dual existence?

There is no right or wrong answer to these questions. Only what is ultimately right for YOU. For some the compromise is something they can live with; for others it would eat them alive. The questions, feelings, and contrasts run deep and each person must answer only to him or herself and make powerful decisions from there.

I know I can’t wait to see how Tasha and Alice navigate this challenge. I expect it to be a groundbreaking and award winning portrayal of the inner conflicts and situational realities of one woman’s journey through the military’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell maze.